still no baby. what?

i still haven't had him.
he is taking his sweetoldtime.
so i thought i would share some photos.
my very talented,
amazing, photographer-friend,
julia pearson, took these photos.
"quick! come over! i want to get
some photos of you before you have him!"
she said last tuesday when i was told
i was dilated so much.


click here to see other photos from the set.


julia is also going
to work her magic and record our son's birth.
but don't worry...i won't be posting them here.
hee..

our shortie will be here soon!

are we there yet?

39 weeks and counting...



"the good news is
that you're dilated
4 to 5 centimeters"
said my midwife
this afternoon.
(10cm and you start pushing)

"everything's going beautifully.
it could be tomorrow
or next week.
your body is progressing
towards the birth
of your son."
she smiled at me
through her wise eyes.

tears.
i get to meet him soon.
tears.
i can't believe this is finally happening.

it could be any day now.

our beautiful baby will be in our arms.

white/brown/black

trying to be distracted by
color week
as my boy is rolling all
across the inside of my torso.

papaya tablets are my new best friend
as he nestles up into my sternum.

sigh.

enjoy today's color trio!

tuesday blues-day

i feel like i am going to pop.
i literally lumber down the hallway,
my swollen feet trying to support
this 30lb. baby-ball that my womb has become.

it was over 100 degrees today
and i was feeling a bit blue until
i created this post for color week.

today is shades-of-blue day.











check out other blues here, here, and here

breaking up

"this friday?"
said my most thoughtful shortie.

"yes," i replied through my tears
after i announced that i would
only be their teacher for
one more week.

"but we have seven weeks of school left",
she said, staring at me,
the biggest traitor that she has ever met.
"i worked so hard to get into third grade
and be in your class,"
her shoulders shaking,
"and now you are leaving me."

the kleenex box made its way
around the circle of small hands
as they consoled each other,
"well at least we have one more week together."

how do i make them believe that
i am leaving so that i can be ready
to take care of my new shortie
growing in my belly?
how can they understand that
i am proud of them?

"is it because of our behavior?"

they look at me with hurt faces.
i am letting them down.
"i love you.
you have made me proud.
you are my little chickens."

tears again.
all of us.

"will you be our teacher next year?"

"that is the plan," i lie.

i can't tell them the truth.
the truth that i have decided to stay
at home next year with my boy
and soak in the amazement of motherhood.

i don't even know if i have faced that truth myself.
it is surreal to think that i won't be walking through
those doors each morning to hugs and hand-made notes
telling me how much i am loved.

a part of my heart is being torn away.
and a whole new life is beginning.

spc: waiting

lazily floating on the river all day,
snacking endlessly on
fresh local strawberries,
peanut-butter cookies,
and grapefruit spritzers
(substituting for beer this year).

this is how i start the
wait for summer,
camping with my peeps in
a huge open meadow on
the rappahanock river in
tappahanock, virginia.

good conversation.
good food.
amazing friends,
old and new.

to date, our son has cooked for
33 weeks in my belly.
4 more weeks to go before
the official wait-for-arrival begins.

this summer will bring on a
celebration of life and family.

this month's self portrait challenge
is to show what is special to you in your environment.
to show how you are celebrating the new season in your part of the world.

join in on the fun and check out
other spc-ers in their surroundings here.

(photo credit for capturing my gorgeous belly
goes to kimmy over at shimmer glimpse)

spc: urban playground

jack plays baseball out here with his mom and dad.
one day, the triplets will play out here, too.
they'll shout up to our kitchen window to see if
our boy can come down and play but
he'll already be halfway there.

cousins will come over and they will
scream and shout as they
throw water balloons and
draw with sidewalk chalk.

alleys are the place to be in the city.
a place to hang and catch up with the
neighbors as your kid practices
on his new training wheels
racing the others to the
next lamp post.

we dream and hope and
nest and build and fall in love
over and over every day.
life is good.
crazy good.

the self portrait challenge this month
is to capture yourself somehow, somewhere on the street.
check out more street shots here at the
self portrait challenge site.

t.i.l.t. belly love

i love being pregnant.
i adore my belly.
i giggle everytime i feel our boy
move and wiggle and dance.


this photo was taken by
my cousin's husband
last sunday.
(for bigger views click
here and here.)

talley and robby will meet
their sweet baby next monday!
go talley! go talley!
(doin' the baby dance fer ya'!)

T.I.L.T. (things i love thursdays)

today, i soaked in the bliss
of taking a nap with my man and
two bad, but sweet-when-sleeping kitties,
and paul's hands on my belly waiting for
the next kick, hiccup, or stretch
that has been occuring inside.

i love having two weeks to reflect
on the progress that the shorties have made.
the last five days of our session were good.
but it was exhausting making that true.
encouragement and kind words
thoughtfully came from their mouths
and, i honestly think, from their hearts, too.

could they be getting it?
will they forget the peace they found
over the break?

i have a plan for our return.
our last expedition for the year will
be to focus on peace and how it is achieved.

reflect.
breathe.
open the heart.
breathe.
feel the love.
believe.

spc: 23 weeks, 4 days

our boy-shortie is on the move.
he kicks and taps and dances
to let me know that he is there.
growing.
getting strong.
becoming the child that we have waited so long for.

i can't wait to hold him in my arms and
spend the day amazed at how much i love him.
but until then,
i will hold him here
in my belly
and spend the day
amazed at how much i love him
already.

check out other body parts here at the
self portrait challenge site.

spc: kickin' up a storm

it happens at night when
i am trying to fall asleep
and i can't stop
giggling.
i can feel bumping
and light tap-a-tap-tapping
on my hip bone.

i wake up in the morning
and am shocked at the
size and roundness of my belly
as i walk past the mirror.

22 weeks pregnant.
and i am loving every
moment of it.

for this weeks self-portrait challenge, i used a combination of
scribbler and captioner by flickr toyz.
check out more online enhanced self-portraits here at the
self portrait challenge site.

boy oh boy!

mmm hmmm.
yup.
we're having a boy!

i squinted and looked at the screen
where the technician was pointing
and saw "it".
(i dare not say scrotum or else
my blog may be banned across the country)

so, through bites of my tri-hourly snacks,
my quest to find the coolest cowboy boots
in little cutie-pahtootie sizes begins.

i am submitting this self-portrait for this month's self-portrait challenge.
my cheeks are full of juicy plum as i try to get
my daily amount of good nutrition.
surf through more online enhanced self-portraits here at the
self portrait challenge site.

black and white spc: seventeen weeks

"everything is exactly as it should be
at this time of your pregnancy,"
my midwife stated yesterday
as she measured
my growing middle
and found my uterus
two fingers under
my bellybutton.

the heartbeat was music to my ears
as i held my breath so i could catch
each miraculous second of the sound.

this week, we are developing fingerprints
and handprints and tiny, sweet feetprints
as the amniotic fluid swirls around
each tiny part.

thrilled.
overwhelmed.
in love.
round.


check out more black and white self-portraits here at the
self portrait challenge site.

b/w spc: one twig at a time

pair by platform-strappy-high-heel pair
i packed them into their boxes
as i said goodbye until
next year.

we are nesting.
getting ready for
wall smashing
and drywall cutting.

occasionally, i stop to
rub my beautiful, round belly
as i pack away all of
the clothing that my
growing pregnant arse cannot fit into
until after our
sweet angel
is in our arms
and my jogging stroller
is assembled.



check out more black and white portraits here at the
self portrait challenge site.

spc: late july

each january
i begin the new year
with promises of ramping up
my excersise routine.
i run harder, faster longer
breathing in the cool winter air.

but this january
cream cheese on crackers,
mango fruit bars
and bubbie's pickles from whole foods,
odwalla protein shakes,
and coldcoldcold grapes
are what i live on now.

yoga pants with the fold down waist
and my softest cotton shirts
are what i live in now.

i have not been running
but sleeping most of the days
of my three-week break
from the shorties.
sleeping and eating
and trying not to hurl.

however,
i have not been a total sloth.
for eleven weeks
i have been working hard.
i have developed
a larynx
a brain
toes
fingers
and one beating heart.

on the first of december
i watched the two lines appear
on the white stick
as i unbelievably cried
and held my belly.

one month plus one day
after my first appointment
with my acupuncturist,
we concieved.

we are due in late july.

hee...



this new year, i will be pampering myself.
i will be preparing and reflecting
on the arrival of my very own shortie.

see more new year's resolutions here at the
self portrait challenge site.

just do it

"you need to have clarity," she said,
"you need to be open and ready to accept
the child's soul that is meant to come to you."

i had my first acupuncture session today.
sitting there,i relived past moments and events
that i usually hold onto dearly while
locking the closet door.
i was crying within the first five minutes.

"how do you feel about being 40
and trying to have a child?"
tears.
unstoppable.
wanting to pull it together.
but i couldn't.

"you need to decide what you
are willing to do to make this happen"

what am i willing to endure?
am i willing to endure the pain and loss of multiple pregnancies?
am i willing to endure the heartbreak of a
birth mother changing her mind after
we have fallen in love with her child?
if i want it. then i can be that strong, right?

clarity.
(breathe)
clear mind.
(breathe)
clear goals.
(breathe)
soul open to accept what is my destiny.

self-portrait tuesday 2/28/06 accountability

nothing is working.

whenever i want something badly enough
i work my tail off until i achieve my goal.
only, this time, i am not
in charge.

every month
i have come to
expect the
same response:
"we are sorry.
the treatment didn't work.
call us on the first day
of your next cycle."

and i do.
and it fails.

if you had told me years ago,
during the 13 year span
that i was on the pill,
that i would be desperately
trying to
conceive,
i would have laughed
in your face.

now, as we are approaching
the second to the last
(and uninsured)
step of infertility treatments,
i am angry at myself that i waited so long.
i am pissed that my eggs are old.
i want to kick somebody's ass...but the only one
i can hold accountable, is me.

another round

we are not pregnant.

"your results came back negative.
call us on day one of your next cycle".

that's it. period.

sitting in my classroom,
the shorties gone home to start their winter break,
those words wrapped around
all of my sadness, anger, frustration and grief.

paul and i are going to eat sushi and drink champagne
when he gets off work tonight.
if i can't be pregnant, then i will indulge in
what i can't have when i am pregnant.

so this weekend calls for:
hot baths.
running until i am spent.
bourbon in my eggnog.
dancing until the morning with my friends.

i have hope.

seven days

i got the call.
"ms. mccullough...we need you to take the blood test NEXT friday.
this week was too soon."
i explained that the lab slip said to go today.
"yes...i know...but it is too soon. we will need you to go again in seven days".
i am going to get my doctor a calendar for christmas.
doesn't he know he is dealing with
an intensely emotional person here?
argh!

deep breathing.
i will go to yoga tomorrow.
i will get ready for the holidays.
i will drink tea and write my christmas cards.

second by second, i will get through the next seven days.

self-portrait tuesday 11/29

november challenge: identity

if all goes well,
soon i will change.
physically and emotionally.
i will no longer be singular
as a being.
i hope.
i keep thinking about how different
everything will be
will i be a good mother?
will i lose myself?
something that i have wanted so much
may be about to happen.
i am
terrified and
ecstatic
all at once.
i am also bracing
myself
in case i remain
singular
in being.