just here.

everytime i come back here i pause.
the last handful of posts have been so optimistic...
new beginnings. hopes. dreams. reinventing myself more than once.
after years of being self-taught, i found the confidence
to state, in front of my peers, "i am a photographer"
and even moved into a community of artists.
i barely pick up my nikon anymore.
i attempted to get back into the classroom and teach.
i know, i know...
starting out as an insurance agent after ten years of teaching
seemed like it would be a good change.
what the hell was i thinking?
making promises to myself and then beating myself up because
i find myself lost and looking for answers.
again.
and again.

i come back here, with stars in my eyes...swooning at the idea
of taking it back. rewinding. gathering the words and images up
into a nostalgic pile and tossing it up high...high...

and wishing on it so so hard
that it turns to goddamnsilverglitter falling all around me.

i ache to strap my camera across my torso,
scoop up my boy and embrace
the now.
the here.
the this.
so do it!

i have been tired. worn down.
i have lost my lust for seeking out the perfect light.
and sometimes, when it is thrown right in front of me
i just don't care.
i haven't written in forever. (only 2 posts last year!)
my heart needs more. i know that it does.
and it's up to me to fill it.

taking pictures feeds my soul. i know that.
but how do i see again?
the goodness is all around me.
i am not really seeing with my lens anymore.
i need that again.
one doesn't really have to search far to find
a small thread from the silver linings that surround us.
so get out and seek, kathleen.

now. here. this.

i'm back.
with no promises.
just here.

arrival

when santa is from baltimore.

love itself

Love is a temporary madness,
it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
 And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
 You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together
 that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
 Because this is what love is.
 Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement,
 it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.
 That is just being in love, which any fool can do.
 Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
 and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
- Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

feeling it

the bloggingeveryday idea kicked my arse.
big time.
i did make pretty good attempt over
at my photo blog,
but. just. couldn't.
drink enough coffee
or scrape enough time from the clock
to see it through.

this world is breaking my heart.
and baltimore is stomping on what remains.

so i am going to try and spend the rest of this year
looking for the good.
really looking.
tearing through the awful and
shaking it until the
glitter falls out.

i want to be seven, too.

mama, do you want to play bear-ninja-cowboy?
it's just like rock-paper-scissors...

countdown

it's nice to have
each day begin with a little sweetness.
not a bad way to count down the arrival of
the man-in-red.
25 days to reflect on the year,
loving up on family
and friends.

the tree.
the decorations.
the baking.
the hope for good sledding conditions...pleasepleaseplease.

glitter and snowglobes.
egg nog and hot cocoa.
rosy cheeks, mittens, and singing carols.

deep in my heart,
i am grateful that i have my boy to hold.
grateful for this community of friends that we have.

this world can be a crazy, sad, unsafe, unfair, unequal place.
it is daunting.
overwhelming.
unbearable to listen and watch...to be aware of the truth.
and we have so much work to do, people.

take care of each other.
no, really.
take. care. of. each. other.
reach out and do good.
be good. to one another.

love deeply.
love hard.
open up the dialogue.
look at people and speak of love and concern.

and don't take a single second for granted.

sea legs

my legs were shaking as i stood up in the dinghy.
i put my clunky boot on the metal support bar of the wind vane,
grasped the rail tightly, and
pulled myself up and over
the rigging and down into the cockpit.

i carefully climbed up and walked along the side toward the bow,
holding onto nothing.

i still have my sea legs.

i secured my footing and balanced on the deck.
lifting my gaze, i was taken by
the reflection of the shoreline.
i smiled and felt the cold, damp air on my face.
the stillness of the night and the
dark, arms of the trees illustrated the
ache i have felt in my heart as of late.
the glass-like water  moved with nereid,
allowing her to slightly rock in the water.
movement: not good for taking photos in the dark.
i lifted my camera, took a deep breath
and held it in.

*click*

it wasn't what i expected.
it isn't  the capture i had intended.
i think it is even better.

the end of a year.
the beginning of another.
this night, this cove. the gentle rocking of the boat.
this deep friendship that picks up where we always leave off.
all fueling my heart's meditation to be open to the surprises
and challenges that await.

christmas eve

the most magical day of december: christmas eve.
you can feel it in the air;
feel it in your energy;
in your heart.

it's not about the presents.
it's about people.
it's about the love.
near and far.

merry christmas.

preparation

of course

me: baby, what do you want for dinner?

chop: bacon, ravioli, and egg nog.

i have created a monster.

peace

and love to all of you during this holiday season.
i am so darn blessed. and i know it.
i really do.

i hope, wherever you are,
and whatever you're celebrating,
whether you are with loved ones or not,
you can find sparkle and light
in your heart, too.

xo

merry christmas

it is 3:30 in the morning.
presents are wrapped.
stockings filled.
boy still sleeping.

our boy is going to
freak
out
in the morning when he
finds the empty plate
and the stuffed stocking
and the presents.

hopefully santa will bring
us coffee in four hours when
babychop wakes up.

this is going to be good, people.

merry christmas to all.
and to all, a good night.

taken on 34th street in hampden.

solstice haiku view

from the archives of summer 2009

longer days are promised now.
slowly they'll lengthen,
bring us more light, and we'll dance.

out of the blue view

i looked up in surprise.
did i hear him correctly?

"what did you just say?"

i love you, mama.

"you love me?"

yes, mama.



today.
he told me that he loves me.
no prompting.
out of the blue.

he loves me.

blizzard views

it's going to be a white christmas after all.

thursday love: cure-all

"do you see his house?"

it was ten o'clock at night.
we were driving through the inner harbor,
past the twinkling, light-lined
home-away-from-home of
santa claus.

let's go see him!

"papa and i will take you soon."

now, mama. i wanna go see him.

"we can't baby. he's sleeping."

he wants to wake up.

"no. he is tired. his belly hurts from eating too many cookies."

we'll just give him a big hug. then he'll feel better.

ho, ho, ho views

yes.
babychop believes.
he believes big time.
and so do we.

views on hard lessons learned

mama...it is a toy. see?

how about if i look super cute.
like this.
then will you let me play with it?

i don't WANT to put it on the tree!!!!

i know it's pure torture,
but ornaments are not toys, sweet boy. they are to look at.
sigh...



ornament casualties to date: 4

weekend views

pub views aka: girls night out.

bertha's mussels restaurant. fell's point, md.