just here.

everytime i come back here i pause.
the last handful of posts have been so optimistic...
new beginnings. hopes. dreams. reinventing myself more than once.
after years of being self-taught, i found the confidence
to state, in front of my peers, "i am a photographer"
and even moved into a community of artists.
i barely pick up my nikon anymore.
i attempted to get back into the classroom and teach.
i know, i know...
starting out as an insurance agent after ten years of teaching
seemed like it would be a good change.
what the hell was i thinking?
making promises to myself and then beating myself up because
i find myself lost and looking for answers.
again.
and again.

i come back here, with stars in my eyes...swooning at the idea
of taking it back. rewinding. gathering the words and images up
into a nostalgic pile and tossing it up high...high...

and wishing on it so so hard
that it turns to goddamnsilverglitter falling all around me.

i ache to strap my camera across my torso,
scoop up my boy and embrace
the now.
the here.
the this.
so do it!

i have been tired. worn down.
i have lost my lust for seeking out the perfect light.
and sometimes, when it is thrown right in front of me
i just don't care.
i haven't written in forever. (only 2 posts last year!)
my heart needs more. i know that it does.
and it's up to me to fill it.

taking pictures feeds my soul. i know that.
but how do i see again?
the goodness is all around me.
i am not really seeing with my lens anymore.
i need that again.
one doesn't really have to search far to find
a small thread from the silver linings that surround us.
so get out and seek, kathleen.

now. here. this.

i'm back.
with no promises.
just here.

all that glitters

dear 2017,
adventure and being truetomyheart is what i seek.
i know that in order to be proud of myself...do the good stuff...make that happen,
i actually have to do the work;
be honest with myself;
shred excuses.
know that i am counting on you
for encouragement and kindness.
together, i'd like to board the train to badassery and glitter.
i am putting it out there, universe.
so be it.

hello summer

happy solstice.
the beginning of summer.
playallday time of year.
swim. homemade popsicles. sleep late.
and maybe some multiplication drills thrown in for good measure.

bring it.

half hour increments

me. in the car this morning
getting ready to start my first day as a liscensed agent.
15 degrees. dead battery.
bummed a ride.
a few hours later...
dropped 40 sandwiches in the street.
had to uber to do after-school pick up and walk home in
ten-degree weather with said picked-up small person who
walksslowerthanmolasses.
then realized i left my house keys in the car that is at the mechanic.
along with my wallet.
and brain.

thanks to my bestie for saving me
with dinner and beer
and for loving me and my boy.
surprisingly i kept it together (no freakout)
with deep breaths (now. here. this.)
i impressed myself and the chop.
30 minutes at at time.
i made it through 28 half-hour increments.

onward.
in deed.

times have changed

yeah...it was a fun night.
brutal.
but fun!

mary would be proud

making my favorite cookies
that my gram used to make when I was a kid.
ting-a-lings: little mounds of melted chocolate and cornflakes...
cooled on wax paper and devoured in yummy, crunchy mouthfuls.

18 oz. semi-sweet milk chocolate. 5 cups cornflakes. pinch (or more) of salt.
1 cup chopped nuts (i left these out and added an extra cup of cornflakes).
melt chocolate in a pyrex bowl (double boiler or microwave).
mix salt with chocolate. add cornflakes and stir.
drop on waxed paper and let air dry.
devour.

arrival

when santa is from baltimore.

love itself

Love is a temporary madness,
it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
 And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
 You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together
 that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
 Because this is what love is.
 Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement,
 it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.
 That is just being in love, which any fool can do.
 Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
 and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
- Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

feeling it

the bloggingeveryday idea kicked my arse.
big time.
i did make pretty good attempt over
at my photo blog,
but. just. couldn't.
drink enough coffee
or scrape enough time from the clock
to see it through.

this world is breaking my heart.
and baltimore is stomping on what remains.

so i am going to try and spend the rest of this year
looking for the good.
really looking.
tearing through the awful and
shaking it until the
glitter falls out.

girl time

boys. movies. kids. jobs. plans. dreams. weather. love. burlesque. desserts.
sex. food. loathing of fake plants. parenting. schools. tantrums. cameras.
*insert anythingandeverything here*

write, she said

the first day of november: #nablopomo .
andrea's post reminded me that it is that time of year
to challenge the writer within and publish a post every day.
every single day for the 11th month of the year.
30 days of words.
here.

this is just what i need.

a kick in the rear.

i have been spinning my wheels lately,

trying to fill my heart again.

something to grasp onto.

need to find my "f#$k yeah!"

so yeah...

i'll do it.

join me?

i'll be here.
and for #naphopomo i will be over here.

truth

this morning was awful.
defiance from the moment he opened his eyes.
and then, as i signed him in (late) for school,
he runs back down the hallways towards me
and throws his arms around me,
kisses my cheek, and tells me to have a good day.

i am in trouble when he is a teenager.

unlikely places

and above all, watch with
glittering eyes the whole
world around you because the
greatest secrets are always
hidden in the most unlikely
places. those who don’t
believe in magic will never
find it.
 -Roald Dahl

numbered

this summer has been epic.
the days of lazy mornings,
cousins visiting,
days at the beach,
guilt-free ice cream eating,
river-rafting,
skateboarding all afternoon...
they are numbered.

how summer rolls

summer is about saying yes 
when friends invite you to grab midday nosh 
and ride around the harbor. 

snow day

snow gazing.
house of cards.
coffee.
just me and the hound.

we miss the boy.
it is too quiet.

pre-storm gratitude

dear baltimore city public schools,
why yes. i will have another beer.
thank you for taking away the
hourly-all-night-text-vigil to see if you will close tomorrow.
thank you for this impromptu girls' night.
with all my  heart, kathleen

back home

reflecting on the funeral and loss of a sweet friend, i took a drive down
port tobacco road to chapel point.
i parked as close as i could get to this house and waded through the grass
and the "no trespassing" gate.
in high school, we used to have band practice on this porch.
i have fond memories of long conversations while stripping tobacco in the
barn out back in the winter, and coming in for mrs. goldsmith's home-cooked meals
around the big round table in the kitchen.
it felt good to come here after reconnecting with high school friends today.
it felt good to be back in charles county, on country roads, winding past farm fields,
leading down to the river.
time moves quickly.
it changes everything.
it's not new to me...but today reminded me that we only have a short time to rock this life.

so get to it.

i want to be seven, too.

mama, do you want to play bear-ninja-cowboy?
it's just like rock-paper-scissors...

countdown

it's nice to have
each day begin with a little sweetness.
not a bad way to count down the arrival of
the man-in-red.
25 days to reflect on the year,
loving up on family
and friends.

the tree.
the decorations.
the baking.
the hope for good sledding conditions...pleasepleaseplease.

glitter and snowglobes.
egg nog and hot cocoa.
rosy cheeks, mittens, and singing carols.

deep in my heart,
i am grateful that i have my boy to hold.
grateful for this community of friends that we have.

this world can be a crazy, sad, unsafe, unfair, unequal place.
it is daunting.
overwhelming.
unbearable to listen and watch...to be aware of the truth.
and we have so much work to do, people.

take care of each other.
no, really.
take. care. of. each. other.
reach out and do good.
be good. to one another.

love deeply.
love hard.
open up the dialogue.
look at people and speak of love and concern.

and don't take a single second for granted.