just do it

"you need to have clarity," she said,
"you need to be open and ready to accept
the child's soul that is meant to come to you."

i had my first acupuncture session today.
sitting there,i relived past moments and events
that i usually hold onto dearly while
locking the closet door.
i was crying within the first five minutes.

"how do you feel about being 40
and trying to have a child?"
tears.
unstoppable.
wanting to pull it together.
but i couldn't.

"you need to decide what you
are willing to do to make this happen"

what am i willing to endure?
am i willing to endure the pain and loss of multiple pregnancies?
am i willing to endure the heartbreak of a
birth mother changing her mind after
we have fallen in love with her child?
if i want it. then i can be that strong, right?

clarity.
(breathe)
clear mind.
(breathe)
clear goals.
(breathe)
soul open to accept what is my destiny.