times have changed

yeah...it was a fun night.
brutal.
but fun!

pow pow.

in response to how our city schools are operating (offering people provisional certification to people with zero experience and not allowing teachers with lapsed certification the same courtesy), a friend wrote a comment in a current thread on my wall. the part about how people would react to this level of disregard in wealthier neighborhoods such as Roland Park or Mount Washington really resonates with me.

it needs to be posted again.

this is what he wrote:

"I have said a few more than a few times that there is profit being made from the failure of kids and adults in Baltimore. One would love to think that this is simply another example of an incompetent system but it is in fact another example of a way to ensure that the kids don't have qualified teachers in front of them, that schools are staffed not by those who have actual experience in urban classrooms but rather by people who have never set foot inside a classroom as an instructional leader, and that the failure of the kids and schools continues. I am sad for you Kathleen McCullough because I know first hand the passion you have for the work, but I am more sad for the kids in the classrooms where these folks are being placed. Let this happen at Mount Washington or Roland Park, let this happen at other schools where there are a majority of white middle class families and watch the outrage. No, these new totally un-experienced folks will end up in the rooms where more is needed, not less, but once again there will be those who wonder why we can't fix this. I am ashamed of how we treat kids in this city. I am ashamed of how we treat adults in this city. And your latest experience just highlights the depths to which those in power are willing to go to keep failure front and center. It is simply too easy to call it insane, or a mistake. This is intentional."

I can't even.

numbered

this summer has been epic.
the days of lazy mornings,
cousins visiting,
days at the beach,
guilt-free ice cream eating,
river-rafting,
skateboarding all afternoon...
they are numbered.

are ya feelin' it yet?

if you aren't feeling the holiday spirit
after watching this,
then you are hopeless.

check out PS22's blog and follow them here.

if you need a little extra help,
check out these shiny little people
here, and here.

identity

for a while now, i have tried to think of what to do
with the title of my blog.

originally, i started posting stories about my students
as an outlet for me to brag about their greatness.
i could sleep well at night, imagining that everyone was reading
about my kidlets and i didn't have to tell the stories over and over and over.
typing it all out saved my friends and family from
having me talking their ears off in real life.

blogging allowed me to paint a picture of my teaching-life and spotlight
my students who were, and always will be, my heart.
i wrote about the small moments and illustrated them with photos.
in putting it all here, my goal was to show my readers what
real love is all about.

these days, i am not teaching in the classroom.
my time is now filled with caring for
my sweet babychop and his two friends.
they don't call me "ms. kathleen" like my shorties did.
they call me "mama".

so.
do i change the name?
do i stay here?
(i am kind of attached.)
move to another page?
(i have had this blog for almost 5 years!)


what to do...what to do.

rockin' out

so much going on around here
with literally thousands of photos
and words to share.

our sweet boy is almost two.

two.

my other kids (at school)
are starting to get into the
groove-that-is-math.
they're actually talking
and sharing
and investigating
and liking it.
i am still earning my stripes...but smiling through it all.

and, of course, chocolate helps.

i have also had the honor of capturing
some serious love, people.
my external hard drive is
bursting at the seams
with weddings and engagements
and kidlets and big baby-bellies.
oh.
and liam, too.

one day
when i am not falling into bed
completely exhausted
with play-doh under my fingernails,
i am going to catch up on all
of the projects that i have let slide.
at least,
that is what i keep telling myself.

until then,
i will continue to watch
our beautiful boy grow,
and learn,
and laugh.

and someday soon...
no really.
someday i will share again.

happy spring.
stay well.

what are you doing here?

are you still a teacher?
one of my new shorties asked me
during our first gathering.
because you had a baby and left...i just wondered.

i am back.
i explained that our group would
focus on taking the extra time to wrap our brains around
how we think about numbers.
i reminded them that we each have a beautiful, thoughtful brain.
we talked about the importance of sharing our thinking,
and respectful listening.
well...my brain is made of gold.
one said as her peers giggled.

i smiled.
yes, it is, sweet girl.
yes, it is.


she lost her tooth mid-lesson. nothing has changed at my old school. lol



note: the email came from my old principal.
"i've been trying to think of a way to get you back here," it read.
the school got a grant to have someone come in and
tutor elementary-level math. it is an after-school program.
she offered me the job and i accepted!
babychop will stay home with paul for the few hours i am gone each time.
for now, it is 2-3 times a week.
perfect: i get shortie-time while liam has papa-time.


life is good. i am very grateful.

thursday love

liam shows love for his bfam.
my first (blurry) movie taken with my new D90.

i sat alone, listening to npr the other day.
it was early morning and paul had taken liam downstairs to
make coffee and get the day started.

the setting: a baltimore city public elementary school.
the story: how the BSO's program, orchkids, is making a difference
in the city's low-income neighborhoods.
a small voice told the reporter that they liked playing music
"because grownups will settle down for you and not talk for you".
she liked playing because it made adults stop and listen.

the door opened and in came my sweet boys
with a hot cup of joe for me.
paul looked at me and said, "were you listening to the story on npr?"
i nodded, biting my lip.
"you miss your kids, don't you?"
tears.
unexpected and unstoppable.

this story barreled in, uninvited, and revealed
what i have been struggling with:
deep-rooted wanting-to-be-involved with the community,
but not willing to give up my time with the chopster.
wanting to get in the classroom and teach.
feeling deeply satisfied when the kids
groove out on investigating and discussing their learning,
but not willing to let go of my warm, snuggly toddler who
is learning his animal sounds and how to hold a crayon.

liam waddled over to me.
mmmmmmmmmWAH
he said as he gave me a drooly kiss.
i dismissed my tears with an embarrassed laugh.
and put it away.
knowing that it wasn't done with me.

and then i got the email.
a message that has me jumping up and down.

but you'll have to wait for details

i will say this: it is shortie-related.
and it may just save me from having to re-name my blog.

love to all of you on this so-cold-my-toes-may-just-crack-right-off-my-feet-thursday.

can you guess?

where i was last night?


more later...

lucky

"the first day of classes
and no ms. kathleen,"
read the monday morning
email from the principal
of new song academy.
"i hope liam realizes
how lucky he is to have
you all to himself."



i am the lucky one.

i DO think of the shorties
and what they are doing
and how they are treating
their new teacher.
i wonder if ny-ny is
still being a leader in
the classroom,
or if my baby-kitten-shortie
is still playing class psychologist.
i hopehopehope that shay finally
decided to use her powers for good
and not evil...

and mostly, i pray
that they are taking care of each other.

tuesday blues-day

i feel like i am going to pop.
i literally lumber down the hallway,
my swollen feet trying to support
this 30lb. baby-ball that my womb has become.

it was over 100 degrees today
and i was feeling a bit blue until
i created this post for color week.

today is shades-of-blue day.











check out other blues here, here, and here

yellow monday

my baby-kitten shortie at the annual pool party last week.
i went and swam and caught up with the happenin's and goin' ons.


ripe apricots from the farmers' market

a year has gone by since i last did color week.
andrea has started the challenge this time
and i am loving the distraction from my
ever-growing-belly.

see you tomorrow for tuesday blues...

no picnic

"dear ms. k."
the email read,
"i miss you.
how is the baby doing?
i thought you said we were your children.
you said we were family.
love, na-na."

how do tell a third grader,
who has abandonment issues,
that i am not leaving her forever?
how do i tell a child who
i have dearly loved since i
first saw her beautiful, smarmy grin
five years ago,
that i will always be in her life?

last week was hard.
i wanted to drive to the school
and tell them one more time
how proud i am of them.
i wanted to go read their writing and
be amazed at their creativity.
i wanted to make sure i have hugged
each one of them enough to last until
i come back to visit.
and then,
start all over again.

sigh.

this is harder than i thought it would be.

spc: going, going...

i went in yesterday to make
sure the new teacher
felt comfortable with
the routine of the shorties' day.
she had written a beautiful
morning messsage in
bright, welcoming colors.
she conducted the
morning circle with ease.

i quietly packed up
my pictures and
notes from five years
of shortie-love.
i put the piggy-bank
that the shorties started
to fill for our son's
college tuition in my bag,
gathered all of the cute
baby clothes and blankets
that the parents brought me,
and closed the door behind me.

my girls from last year caught me
at the front door as they were leaving the gym.
tears.
"don't leave us."
"don't go."
making me feel very loved yet
also like the biggest jerk ever
as we stood there with our
arms around each other.

i left this place of
learning and laughter,
celebration and collaboration,
that i have seen each morning for five years.
i left behind the last six weeks of school
and drove home to my new life.

as lou reed sings,
"this is the beginning of a
great adventure..."



this month's self portrait challenge
is to reveal your environment.

breaking up

"this friday?"
said my most thoughtful shortie.

"yes," i replied through my tears
after i announced that i would
only be their teacher for
one more week.

"but we have seven weeks of school left",
she said, staring at me,
the biggest traitor that she has ever met.
"i worked so hard to get into third grade
and be in your class,"
her shoulders shaking,
"and now you are leaving me."

the kleenex box made its way
around the circle of small hands
as they consoled each other,
"well at least we have one more week together."

how do i make them believe that
i am leaving so that i can be ready
to take care of my new shortie
growing in my belly?
how can they understand that
i am proud of them?

"is it because of our behavior?"

they look at me with hurt faces.
i am letting them down.
"i love you.
you have made me proud.
you are my little chickens."

tears again.
all of us.

"will you be our teacher next year?"

"that is the plan," i lie.

i can't tell them the truth.
the truth that i have decided to stay
at home next year with my boy
and soak in the amazement of motherhood.

i don't even know if i have faced that truth myself.
it is surreal to think that i won't be walking through
those doors each morning to hugs and hand-made notes
telling me how much i am loved.

a part of my heart is being torn away.
and a whole new life is beginning.

like a polaroid picture

some of my shorties made me a picture for mother's day.

on this day, and every day,
i think we should take their advice and
"shake [what] your mama gave you..."

happy mothers' day to
all women everywhere.
we have all been a mother at some time
to someone somewhere.

happy mothers' day
to my two mothers,
ellen and aunt kathi.

spring break: the party's over

cherry blossom hunting with my girls in d.c.,
rocking the smithsonian museum of natural history,
eating ten dollars worth of doritos,
and washing it down with
mango gelato.

going to a sikh wedding and then
seeing the same couple marry the
next night for a western wedding
along with friends, new and old.

baby showers and family.
girl-cousin's only weekend.
mother daughter weekend.
friends visiting from portland.
food. swimming. laughing.
more laughing.
belly laughing, i tell you...

it was a great spring break.

tomorrow.
starts a new session.
deep heart digging
and trust-building.

wish us luck.

T.I.L.T. (things i love thursdays)

today, i soaked in the bliss
of taking a nap with my man and
two bad, but sweet-when-sleeping kitties,
and paul's hands on my belly waiting for
the next kick, hiccup, or stretch
that has been occuring inside.

i love having two weeks to reflect
on the progress that the shorties have made.
the last five days of our session were good.
but it was exhausting making that true.
encouragement and kind words
thoughtfully came from their mouths
and, i honestly think, from their hearts, too.

could they be getting it?
will they forget the peace they found
over the break?

i have a plan for our return.
our last expedition for the year will
be to focus on peace and how it is achieved.

reflect.
breathe.
open the heart.
breathe.
feel the love.
believe.

spc: hung up

this weeks self-portrait shows
how i have been feeling:
on display.

testing, and the preparation to get there,
stresses a teacher out.
our test scores are published
in the local paper and
available on the internet for all to see
and compared to other state schools.
these numbers threaten the future of our school;
threaten my career.

my school only has one third grade class.
my shorties' scores are not combined
with any other class.
we are solo.
we are on our own.

however, our scores don't show
how well my children can write haikus
and work out a math problem with a partner.
the test doesn't measure how late a child had
to stay up to take care of a very sick grandmother/guardian.
they don't care if a cousin or father or mother
was shot as they walked to their car the day before.
the numbers don't show the fatigue of a child
who has no bedtime, or no bed for that matter.

the shorties are timed, stressed out and under pressure.
i don't know about you,
but when i am under pressure and have a deadline
i talk to my friends and colleagues to help me.
i bounce ideas off of others so that i can
think clearly and rationally.

state testing need to be re-thought.
education, as an institution, needs to remember
that it is about the children,
period,
instead of always trying to make the grownups look good.

shame on the tall-ees.


for this weeks online-enhancement, i used the cool dumpr site.
check out more groovy mugs here at the
self portrait challenge site.

peace of mind

sunday.
time for deep breathing and silence.
coffee with chocolate soy milk
and extra snuggle time with my man
while kitties tumble around at our feet.

state-testing is over
and tomorrow starts a new week.
a week without crying in
my principal's office,
"i just can't do it."
i sobbed, "i need someone to take them for
an hour. i need to be away from them."

a week where i practice my ever-dwindling patience.
we'll take a spring walk and plant seeds.
we'll dye eggs in honor of easter and
the blooming of our environment.
we'll continue our quest for classroom peace.
not friendship. just peace.
friendship takes time.
but peace. citizenship. the art of being cordial.
that is my goal.

ok.
i am lying.
i want my shorties to love each other.
i want them to work together and share their thinking.
i want them to greet each other with hugs and kind words,
not sneakiness, undermining and full-on-hating.
i want them to feel it in their hearts, not just say what they think i want to hear.

i want them to be my old class.
there. i said it.

but if i say it out loud, i will cry again.

so i will stick with the simple goal of just peace.
even if it isn't in their hearts.

for now.

trust me. i will not settle.