change is good

our sweet boy will be two
in one month.
23 months ago, our world changed forever.
mornings became sweeter,
our hearts grew bigger,
being still became our new entertainment,
and we developed an intimate relationship with our washing machine.



and now,
our boy's second summer is here.
our days are filled with
strawberries and ice cream,
hanging around with cousins,
splashing and singing while
wearing as little as possible.



these days are fleeting
as we try to hold on to each second
in stillness, chaos and awe.

rockin' out

so much going on around here
with literally thousands of photos
and words to share.

our sweet boy is almost two.

two.

my other kids (at school)
are starting to get into the
groove-that-is-math.
they're actually talking
and sharing
and investigating
and liking it.
i am still earning my stripes...but smiling through it all.

and, of course, chocolate helps.

i have also had the honor of capturing
some serious love, people.
my external hard drive is
bursting at the seams
with weddings and engagements
and kidlets and big baby-bellies.
oh.
and liam, too.

one day
when i am not falling into bed
completely exhausted
with play-doh under my fingernails,
i am going to catch up on all
of the projects that i have let slide.
at least,
that is what i keep telling myself.

until then,
i will continue to watch
our beautiful boy grow,
and learn,
and laugh.

and someday soon...
no really.
someday i will share again.

happy spring.
stay well.

at last

we can count on warmer days for outside coloring
and trips to the zoo.
walks to eddie's to pick up ingredients for dinner
won't leave our ears numb
and the sun will shine later.
sidewalk cafes are calling us
as the birds return, sharing their winter stories
with each other.

time to wipe off the adirondack chairs
that have been waiting through the cold months
to be used for
chatting with neighbors and
talking about how all of the
kids have grown

finally
spring is here!

thursday love: mmmmmWAH!

each time he does this,
i am a puddle.
mush.
done.

my heart might just explode the first time he says,
"i love you, mama"

what are you doing here?

are you still a teacher?
one of my new shorties asked me
during our first gathering.
because you had a baby and left...i just wondered.

i am back.
i explained that our group would
focus on taking the extra time to wrap our brains around
how we think about numbers.
i reminded them that we each have a beautiful, thoughtful brain.
we talked about the importance of sharing our thinking,
and respectful listening.
well...my brain is made of gold.
one said as her peers giggled.

i smiled.
yes, it is, sweet girl.
yes, it is.


she lost her tooth mid-lesson. nothing has changed at my old school. lol



note: the email came from my old principal.
"i've been trying to think of a way to get you back here," it read.
the school got a grant to have someone come in and
tutor elementary-level math. it is an after-school program.
she offered me the job and i accepted!
babychop will stay home with paul for the few hours i am gone each time.
for now, it is 2-3 times a week.
perfect: i get shortie-time while liam has papa-time.


life is good. i am very grateful.

thursday love

liam shows love for his bfam.
my first (blurry) movie taken with my new D90.

i sat alone, listening to npr the other day.
it was early morning and paul had taken liam downstairs to
make coffee and get the day started.

the setting: a baltimore city public elementary school.
the story: how the BSO's program, orchkids, is making a difference
in the city's low-income neighborhoods.
a small voice told the reporter that they liked playing music
"because grownups will settle down for you and not talk for you".
she liked playing because it made adults stop and listen.

the door opened and in came my sweet boys
with a hot cup of joe for me.
paul looked at me and said, "were you listening to the story on npr?"
i nodded, biting my lip.
"you miss your kids, don't you?"
tears.
unexpected and unstoppable.

this story barreled in, uninvited, and revealed
what i have been struggling with:
deep-rooted wanting-to-be-involved with the community,
but not willing to give up my time with the chopster.
wanting to get in the classroom and teach.
feeling deeply satisfied when the kids
groove out on investigating and discussing their learning,
but not willing to let go of my warm, snuggly toddler who
is learning his animal sounds and how to hold a crayon.

liam waddled over to me.
mmmmmmmmmWAH
he said as he gave me a drooly kiss.
i dismissed my tears with an embarrassed laugh.
and put it away.
knowing that it wasn't done with me.

and then i got the email.
a message that has me jumping up and down.

but you'll have to wait for details

i will say this: it is shortie-related.
and it may just save me from having to re-name my blog.

love to all of you on this so-cold-my-toes-may-just-crack-right-off-my-feet-thursday.

full

i hope 2009 brings
wonderful surprises,
peace,
hope,
lovelovelove,
warmth,
security,
full bellies,
health,
and wonder
to you all.

happy new year.
seriously.
happy.
new.
year.

a cool yule atcha'

are we going to lie to our boy
and tell him there is a santa?
asked my husband.

of course we are.
i answered, rolling my eyes, not believing he would even hesitate.
i mean, c'mon. isn't this one of the reasons to have a child?

the tree is trimmed and
santa has visited.
stockings are stuffed.
lists are made for the morning
so we don't forget to take what we need
for the trek to visit family near and far.

babychop is asleep.
unaware of the goodies that he will discover in the morning.
snuggled under our fuzzy blanket
he has no idea that tomorrow is going to be about
love and family and tradition and food and more love.

i hope you are all full of love this winter.
i hope your hearts are full of peace and empty of fear.

merry christmas.
happy hannukah.
joy-filled kwanzaa.
warm and bright solstice.


liam pic of the week 21/52: jam session with millie
at our family christmas party.

here and now

liam pic of the week 20/52: liam and papa share some breakfast.

my boys groove out in their own world
of snuggly, crunchy goodness
eating frosted shredded wheat
on a winter morning.

these small moments
fill my day
with thankfulness.

let the laundry pile up.
let the floor be covered with toys.
the to-do list? it'll be there later.
all of it. let it go and be still
so arms can be free to wrap around
the giggling child
who is splashing both hands in the cereal bowl.

enough

10/52: photo saved from my fried external hard-drive.

after ten weeks of
recovering photos,
backing up hard-drives,
sorting and editing,
consulting geniuses,
nursing liam through
a twelve day bout of rotavirus,
and just plain not sleeping,
i am back on track.

after not even wanting to pick up my camera
due to the lack of uploading options,
i am ready to start posting
babychop's picture of the week again.

okay, okay. i am a bit late this week.
but i am back.

and that has to be good enough.

i don't know how all the other mamas do it.
you know who you are:
the mamas who blog and craft and photograph
and knit and write and take classes
and work outside-of-the-house and
hell
while we're at it,
brush their teeth before noon
and even apply lipstick
and wear clothing that doesn't have
snot
oatmeal
yogurt
banana
smeared on it.

i have wanted to blog.
i've wanted to write about the visits to my
old school and my sweet shorties.
i have been searching to find the words to describe
this almost frantic need to meaningfully connect to community.
for myself and for my family.
and then i find myself at the other end of the spectrum;
completely content spending the afternoon
being still with my boy.


18/52: thanksgiving at bethany beach, delaware.

to see all of liam's picture- of-the-week entries, click here.

yes. we did.

i am so honored to have been a part of this change.

hope.
it is a strong word.

hope.
i have it, now, for our country.
for our future.

what a wonderful day,
today.

13/52 up and running

13/52 picture of the week. i'm in love with those big, brown eyes!

eli the computer guy (a.k.a. bob) rocks the casbah.
not only did he recover all of my data from my
friedexternalharddrive
but he put it on a new, bigger one
and filled my spinning head with new knowledge
so i won't lose thousands of photos again!
and the best part?
it cost $100 for the data retrieval.
yes, i'll repeat it.
one hundred smack-a-roos.
that's it!.
big difference from the other-guys.
$1500.00 difference.
25,000 photos recovered
with a smile,
advice (the advice is free!)
and the lovely mia
who puts ones mind at ease
from the start.

so.
the photos will resume.
i'll play catch-up when babychop decides
to ever nap again.

12/52 breathe

picture of the week.
eating something he found on the floor. i was hoping it was an "o".

i know i know.
i skipped week 10 and 11.
(i am sure you all noticed!)

my external hard drive is fried.
more than 25,000 photos are trapped inside.
our italy trip.
almost every photo of babychop. ever.
camping fun.
engagement pictures.
all of it. everything snapped before last monday.
unreachable.

let's all keep our fingers crossed
that eli the computer guy will be able to help.

i am not freaking out.
yet.

9/52 literacy and some new kicks

9/52 picture of the week.
reading "does a kangaroo have a mother, too?" by eric carle.

i hold him on my lap and read,
"yes! a penguin has a mama, too!
just like me and you!"
and i kiss his face and hands.

liam loves himself some eric carle.
we actually have to hide this book
to keep him from having us read it
and read it
and read it
and read it
all day long.

i am a teacher-mama
and i am hiding books from my child.
is that so wrong?

the child loves to be read to.
he has gotten really good at turning pages.
he even knows when to turn them without us asking.

"frosty the snowman" is his favorite morning book.
(it plays the song when you open it!)
he climbs down from our bed in the morning
and goes straight for the books.
he gathers them in his arms
and toddles back to us.
we pull him back in with us and read together.

the boy has us completely under his spell.


side-note:
liam wanted me to post a pic of his new kicks.
no.
really.
he wanted me to.




liam's new kicks from livie and luca.

8/52 goodbye summer

photo of the week. refreshments at the playground.

it seems like we just got our new bathing suits
and sandals.
we only went to the beach once
so it can't really be over.

only a few trips to rita's
and to oma's pool.
and really not that many tomato sandwiches made yet.

i was just getting use to the idea of summer.
it just started, right?

we took advantage of
local, seasonal produce
and have stored some away
for the cold rootvegetableandappleonly winter ahead.
our freezer is literally packed with the
fruits of our labor.
we prepared blueberries
and peaches
and cherries
and nectarines
and tomato sauce
and pesto.


maybe just one more watermelon.
a few more ears of corn.
some cantalope.
and just one crabfeast would be nice.
just a bit more of summer, please?

one more camping trip.
one more dip in the ocean.
one more afternoon in the backyard
watching naked babies splash and
squeal as i blow bubbles into the air.

goodbye lazy, dog days of summer.



autumn, here we come!

7/52 photo of the week.

picture of the week. taken at golden west cafe' in hampden.

thump thump thump
up and down the hallway.
up and down the stairs (mama and papa attended, of course).
chasing the kitties.
giggling and teetering and proud.

slap slap slap
his chubby, bare feet
against the wood floors.
our boy shortie is
on the move.

today. in remembrance.

in my classroom, i only had one rule:
we take care of each other. no exceptions. period.

if third graders can do it,
then why can't we?


in honor of those who lost their lives seven years ago
in washington, pennsylvania, and new york,
please take care of each other.



peace.

just because

this video is just so dern cute.
also. i love how paul's voice goes
to a higher octave sometimes
when he talks to liam.

papa and liam. sometime in june.

take two

a photo a day.
that was the plan.
to record 2008 with a
daily photograph of our boy-shortie.
um...hellooooooooooo.
whattheheckwereyouthinking?
i managed it for 115 days.
and then i would catch up every other day.
and then weekly.
and then my iphoto got all wonky.
sigh...

months passed.
and then our sweetpea turned one.

a fresh start.
(well...ok...i am already playing catch-up
but i am going to stick this one out.)
i am going to post a photo of the week.

that's right, all you babychop fans out there!
each friday, posted right here, you'll see the
bestbestbest picture taken that week.

here are the first six weeks


week one: the party!


week two: standing.


week three: being super-cutie-cute.


week four: on the move.


week five: walking with papa.


week six: camping in tappahannock.

oh.
and if you want to see ALL
of the chop's scrumptiousness from
day one until the present,
click here.

happy end-of-the weekend to you.
peace-out.

one, two, three, four

that is how many steps
our boy-shortie took yesterday.

all the other mamas and babies said their goodbyes
after the sing-along
'cept marni and her boy, auggie;
mandy and her girls.

chloe and auggie racing all around
prompted babychop to stand.
lift one foot.
wobble.
then the other.
again.
and again.
then kerplunk
big smile and clapping.

paul was there.
i was there.
we were all grinning as
we realized
life-as-we-know-it
is over.

so fast

liam won't stop growing.
i am trying to savor every moment
yet they seem to fly by.

with each stage there is a different sound he makes,
or expression on his face,
or feat that he has accomplished.
i don't want to forget any of it.

this movie was taken three months ago.
he seems so much smaller than he is now, at one year.

sigh.
i love this baby so much.

grandpa mac

is what liam would've called him.
he would have been 78 this year.

and definately.
he would have adored his grandson.

instead, he's watching over him.
whispering be mischievous
into his ear
to make sure that i get my due.

20 years ago, he died.
and i still miss him.
wish he could be here to see
all that i love
and be a part of it.

i love you, dad.
i know you would be proud.


picture originally posted with these words.

7/26 babychop turns one

i could break your water now and you could have your baby by noon,
said my midwife (one of three in the lovely group) after she informed me that
i was still 5cm dilated since my last appointment
a week prior.
julie is on call today and wanted me to tell
you that she could move things along if you want.

i was ready.
i was huge, swollen and hot, dilated, and ready.
i waddled the ten blocks home from my last checkup
and called paul.
julie is going to meet us at the hospital.
we're going to have our baby!

i had agreed to wait until babychop was ready to come out.
i wanted to do everything naturally
(no induced labor, no drugs at all).
but my favorite midwife was available that day,
and my dear friend, julia,
who agreed to take photos,
was leaving after the weekend for vacation.
and my sister-in-law, who i was counting on for breathing-assistance,
was participating in a yoga-retreat that weekend.

what happens if the cervadil doesn't work?, i asked.
i don't want to get stuck there, in the hospital.

then you can go home. i promise.

we had a cup of watermelon gazpacho before we left the house.
the suitcases had been packed for a week.
we said goodbye to the kitties
and closed the door to a life that was going to change dramatically.

the cervadil was inserted around 3:30
right before julia arrived.
leslie (my sil) arrived from philly around 4.
our doula, tina, moments behind.
around 6, i started feeling a little tightness.
but nothing to write-home-about.

wine was poured into paper cups
(paul and i drank water).
we sat, chatted, sipped and waited.

by 8, i was starting to really feel the contractions.
julie had me lie down to conserve my energy for
when i really needed it.
your going to meet your son soon!
i was too excited to rest.

i got up to pee for the billionth time.
as i sat there, i had my first strong contraction
that left me a bit breathless.
leslie, sitting on the tub in the bathroom,
her forehead against mine as i sat on the toilet,
closed her eyes and whispered breathe.
take your breath within. slowly exhale.

i walked. i danced. i laughed. i cried.
for two hours.

then. i had to focus.
which is something i struggle with.
i am not good at it.
but i had practiced. read everything i could get my hands on.
visualized.
i knew i could do it.

with each contraction, i went deeper within myself.
tightness. my body squeezing whether i wanted to or not.
let go. let your body do what it needs to do.
feel the power of what your body is capable of.

the sounds didn't come from my mouth.
they came from somewhere deeper than i had ever imagined.
they came from my soul.
from my heart.

with each contraction, i moaned and breathed.
paul's eyes were wide as he held my hand
and gave me water.
i love you.
we said over and over to each other.
tears.
laughter.
sweat.
breathing.

are you ready to get into the tub?
ohgodyes.
i could hear the water running and for some strange reason
thought relief was on the way.
wasn't clearly thinking about what was next.

after the next contraction, tina and paul
helped me up and i walked to the bathroom.
i climbed into the tub.
panic.
what position should i get into before the next contraction?
should i squat? no.
get on all fours? no.
float? hell no.
hey. can we pause this whole scene while i figure out my next move?
i wanted to shout.
but i said nothing.
i was staying within.

julie had me sit in the tub, facing her.
i was scrunched in half, filling the width of the tub
instead of the length.
my big belly almost touching my chin,
she had me where she needed me.
where she could control me.
and that was smart of her
cause i was feeling like i wanted to leave.
i wanted someone to switch with me for a while
so i could rest.
but as i looked at each face staring down at me,
i realized it was all on me.
i was the only one on my side of the line.
no one could help me with this.

with the next contraction, i want you to push.
and so we began.
and i pushed.
with all my might.
til i thought i had nothing left.
again.
again? what is she crazy? i have to push more than
once during one contraction?
again.
ohdeargod. and we have only just begun.

oh! i see his head!
julia whispered to a tearful leslie and they both smiled.
i reached down and touched it.
trippy, i thought.

almost three hours later,
and a lot of the same,
(pushing til i thought i would faint,
and then pushing again)
at 2:53 a.m.,
babychop came into this crazy world
weighing 10 pounds and 3 ounces.

julie reached down into the water and pulled him out.
as she handed him to me i stared at him in awe.
he is beautiful!
THIS is the baby we get to take home?!!!
i couldn't stop staring at him.
he was covered in vernix and had a perfectly round head.
ten fingers.
ten toes.
and. so. handsome.

my heart has not been the same since.

the last year has been a trip.
i have been forced to let go and be still.
i have learned to live in the moment and not think about the next.
because even if you think you have it all figured out, it changes at least ten times
before you realize that you don't.

liam.
my sweet boy.
my heart.
my joy and amazement.
happy birthday.

we waited so long to have you.
papa and i are so blessed to have had you delivered to us.

life is crazygood.
i am so thankful.
you have noooooo idea.

i love you, baby.

reaching way out

just when i think i cannot hear
one more sad story;
when it seems like there is just so much
bad in the world,
i read this.
go on...click it. it is a short read.

jen lemen's words
about her trip to rwanda, to visit odette's children,
help me remember the power of sisterhood.
it reminds me that, if you listen to your heart
and do what is right,
then we really can make a difference.

feelin' hothothot

it is hot.
africa-hot.
time for popsicles and
watermelon juice dripping off our elbows.

hope you are all finding ways to keep cool this weekend.

p.s. two weeks until babychop is one!