just here.

everytime i come back here i pause.
the last handful of posts have been so optimistic...
new beginnings. hopes. dreams. reinventing myself more than once.
after years of being self-taught, i found the confidence
to state, in front of my peers, "i am a photographer"
and even moved into a community of artists.
i barely pick up my nikon anymore.
i attempted to get back into the classroom and teach.
i know, i know...
starting out as an insurance agent after ten years of teaching
seemed like it would be a good change.
what the hell was i thinking?
making promises to myself and then beating myself up because
i find myself lost and looking for answers.
again.
and again.

i come back here, with stars in my eyes...swooning at the idea
of taking it back. rewinding. gathering the words and images up
into a nostalgic pile and tossing it up high...high...

and wishing on it so so hard
that it turns to goddamnsilverglitter falling all around me.

i ache to strap my camera across my torso,
scoop up my boy and embrace
the now.
the here.
the this.
so do it!

i have been tired. worn down.
i have lost my lust for seeking out the perfect light.
and sometimes, when it is thrown right in front of me
i just don't care.
i haven't written in forever. (only 2 posts last year!)
my heart needs more. i know that it does.
and it's up to me to fill it.

taking pictures feeds my soul. i know that.
but how do i see again?
the goodness is all around me.
i am not really seeing with my lens anymore.
i need that again.
one doesn't really have to search far to find
a small thread from the silver linings that surround us.
so get out and seek, kathleen.

now. here. this.

i'm back.
with no promises.
just here.

all that glitters

dear 2017,
adventure and being truetomyheart is what i seek.
i know that in order to be proud of myself...do the good stuff...make that happen,
i actually have to do the work;
be honest with myself;
shred excuses.
know that i am counting on you
for encouragement and kindness.
together, i'd like to board the train to badassery and glitter.
i am putting it out there, universe.
so be it.

hello summer

happy solstice.
the beginning of summer.
playallday time of year.
swim. homemade popsicles. sleep late.
and maybe some multiplication drills thrown in for good measure.

bring it.

serenade

and then...at the end of that crazy day (yesterday)
I told Mercury (who is in retrograde)
to shove it.

half hour increments

me. in the car this morning
getting ready to start my first day as a liscensed agent.
15 degrees. dead battery.
bummed a ride.
a few hours later...
dropped 40 sandwiches in the street.
had to uber to do after-school pick up and walk home in
ten-degree weather with said picked-up small person who
walksslowerthanmolasses.
then realized i left my house keys in the car that is at the mechanic.
along with my wallet.
and brain.

thanks to my bestie for saving me
with dinner and beer
and for loving me and my boy.
surprisingly i kept it together (no freakout)
with deep breaths (now. here. this.)
i impressed myself and the chop.
30 minutes at at time.
i made it through 28 half-hour increments.

onward.
in deed.

times have changed

yeah...it was a fun night.
brutal.
but fun!

mary would be proud

making my favorite cookies
that my gram used to make when I was a kid.
ting-a-lings: little mounds of melted chocolate and cornflakes...
cooled on wax paper and devoured in yummy, crunchy mouthfuls.

18 oz. semi-sweet milk chocolate. 5 cups cornflakes. pinch (or more) of salt.
1 cup chopped nuts (i left these out and added an extra cup of cornflakes).
melt chocolate in a pyrex bowl (double boiler or microwave).
mix salt with chocolate. add cornflakes and stir.
drop on waxed paper and let air dry.
devour.

arrival

when santa is from baltimore.

love itself

Love is a temporary madness,
it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
 And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
 You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together
 that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
 Because this is what love is.
 Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement,
 it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.
 That is just being in love, which any fool can do.
 Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
 and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
- Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

feeling it

the bloggingeveryday idea kicked my arse.
big time.
i did make pretty good attempt over
at my photo blog,
but. just. couldn't.
drink enough coffee
or scrape enough time from the clock
to see it through.

this world is breaking my heart.
and baltimore is stomping on what remains.

so i am going to try and spend the rest of this year
looking for the good.
really looking.
tearing through the awful and
shaking it until the
glitter falls out.

girl time

boys. movies. kids. jobs. plans. dreams. weather. love. burlesque. desserts.
sex. food. loathing of fake plants. parenting. schools. tantrums. cameras.
*insert anythingandeverything here*

door number two

#nablomo day 2.

this mama-gig, it is not for the weak.

so this new path...
it has to work out.
i need this door to stay open.

i am pretty scrappy.
it takes a lotlotlot to hold me down.
so...just wait. it's about to get real...

write, she said

the first day of november: #nablopomo .
andrea's post reminded me that it is that time of year
to challenge the writer within and publish a post every day.
every single day for the 11th month of the year.
30 days of words.
here.

this is just what i need.

a kick in the rear.

i have been spinning my wheels lately,

trying to fill my heart again.

something to grasp onto.

need to find my "f#$k yeah!"

so yeah...

i'll do it.

join me?

i'll be here.
and for #naphopomo i will be over here.

truth

this morning was awful.
defiance from the moment he opened his eyes.
and then, as i signed him in (late) for school,
he runs back down the hallways towards me
and throws his arms around me,
kisses my cheek, and tells me to have a good day.

i am in trouble when he is a teenager.

unlikely places

and above all, watch with
glittering eyes the whole
world around you because the
greatest secrets are always
hidden in the most unlikely
places. those who don’t
believe in magic will never
find it.
 -Roald Dahl

pow pow.

in response to how our city schools are operating (offering people provisional certification to people with zero experience and not allowing teachers with lapsed certification the same courtesy), a friend wrote a comment in a current thread on my wall. the part about how people would react to this level of disregard in wealthier neighborhoods such as Roland Park or Mount Washington really resonates with me.

it needs to be posted again.

this is what he wrote:

"I have said a few more than a few times that there is profit being made from the failure of kids and adults in Baltimore. One would love to think that this is simply another example of an incompetent system but it is in fact another example of a way to ensure that the kids don't have qualified teachers in front of them, that schools are staffed not by those who have actual experience in urban classrooms but rather by people who have never set foot inside a classroom as an instructional leader, and that the failure of the kids and schools continues. I am sad for you Kathleen McCullough because I know first hand the passion you have for the work, but I am more sad for the kids in the classrooms where these folks are being placed. Let this happen at Mount Washington or Roland Park, let this happen at other schools where there are a majority of white middle class families and watch the outrage. No, these new totally un-experienced folks will end up in the rooms where more is needed, not less, but once again there will be those who wonder why we can't fix this. I am ashamed of how we treat kids in this city. I am ashamed of how we treat adults in this city. And your latest experience just highlights the depths to which those in power are willing to go to keep failure front and center. It is simply too easy to call it insane, or a mistake. This is intentional."

I can't even.

numbered

this summer has been epic.
the days of lazy mornings,
cousins visiting,
days at the beach,
guilt-free ice cream eating,
river-rafting,
skateboarding all afternoon...
they are numbered.

summer daze

in the spirit of the dog days of summer,
i've started over.
the photos that didn't get posted 
will just have to understand.
i am continuing with purpose.
*strapping camera onto body*

http://katmcculloughphoto.blogspot.com

almost 8

these days, i try and scoop him up as much as he will allow
because soon, he will be too heavy.
and too cool.


one month from today, he will begin his eighth year.
jeez louise...slow it down.

how summer rolls

summer is about saying yes 
when friends invite you to grab midday nosh 
and ride around the harbor. 

snow day

snow gazing.
house of cards.
coffee.
just me and the hound.

we miss the boy.
it is too quiet.

pre-storm gratitude

dear baltimore city public schools,
why yes. i will have another beer.
thank you for taking away the
hourly-all-night-text-vigil to see if you will close tomorrow.
thank you for this impromptu girls' night.
with all my  heart, kathleen

iced over

trapped inside.
the cute bunny
along with the sad boy
is almost too much to bear

back home

reflecting on the funeral and loss of a sweet friend, i took a drive down
port tobacco road to chapel point.
i parked as close as i could get to this house and waded through the grass
and the "no trespassing" gate.
in high school, we used to have band practice on this porch.
i have fond memories of long conversations while stripping tobacco in the
barn out back in the winter, and coming in for mrs. goldsmith's home-cooked meals
around the big round table in the kitchen.
it felt good to come here after reconnecting with high school friends today.
it felt good to be back in charles county, on country roads, winding past farm fields,
leading down to the river.
time moves quickly.
it changes everything.
it's not new to me...but today reminded me that we only have a short time to rock this life.

so get to it.

i want to be seven, too.

mama, do you want to play bear-ninja-cowboy?
it's just like rock-paper-scissors...

countdown

it's nice to have
each day begin with a little sweetness.
not a bad way to count down the arrival of
the man-in-red.
25 days to reflect on the year,
loving up on family
and friends.

the tree.
the decorations.
the baking.
the hope for good sledding conditions...pleasepleaseplease.

glitter and snowglobes.
egg nog and hot cocoa.
rosy cheeks, mittens, and singing carols.

deep in my heart,
i am grateful that i have my boy to hold.
grateful for this community of friends that we have.

this world can be a crazy, sad, unsafe, unfair, unequal place.
it is daunting.
overwhelming.
unbearable to listen and watch...to be aware of the truth.
and we have so much work to do, people.

take care of each other.
no, really.
take. care. of. each. other.
reach out and do good.
be good. to one another.

love deeply.
love hard.
open up the dialogue.
look at people and speak of love and concern.

and don't take a single second for granted.

flying

i stop half a block down the street from the school.
i've agreed to let the chop walk up to the corner and
cross with the crossing guard, mr. christopher, all by himself.
i move to hug him after his backpack is on and his mandolin case is secure.

mama...
he whispers, looking around.
people are looking...

this kid.
this amazing boy.

i am so proud and heartbroken at the same time.

sue.

when i was eight, my parents divorced.
eventually, i moved in with my dad and
my brother moved in with our mother.

"if you don't come back, i am going to
move far away."

she used to call me on saturdays and
tell me what a great time she and my
brother were having in florida.
eight-year-old me listened as she told me
how they played in the ocean all morning
after a breakfast of pancakes and hot chocolate.

i saw her when i was eleven.
leaving my dad and his new wife in maryland,
i spent the summer with sue and her boyfriend.
that is the summer that i first tried pot.
her boyfriend's oldest daughter, eighteen,
and i rolled the joints in our shared bedroom
and smoked them every day.
all day.

that fall,  i told her that i didn't want to stay
for the whole summer the following year.
i didn't hear from her again.
not one card. phone call. visit.
nothing.
she was angry with me.
i was dismissed completely.

years went by.
seven years.
middle school.
high school.
heartbreak and celebrations.
accomplishments and downfalls.

i contacted her when i was eighteen.
i drove to my grandmother's house to surprise her.
by the end of the day
"fuck off" was the last thing i said to her.
she replied with the same.

i tried again after my father died.
i was twenty-one.
and for eight strained years, we attempted
communication.
"have a nice life" was the last thing she said to me,
angry about the relationship i have with the woman who raised me.
she had only animosity towards the woman who took care of her daughter
and made sure she was loved.
"have a nice life."

that was almost twenty years ago.

i have often thought of writing to her.
asking for an explanation.
or calling her out on being selfish.
and hateful.
and fucked up.

i wanted her to know that i am doing everything
in my power to be the exact opposite of what she was to me.
that i love my child and am a good mother
regardless of the model she provided for me.

at almost-forty-eight, i wanted her to
acknowledge that she missed out
on all that i am.
i wanted her to know that i do have a nice life.
i am creative and am surrounded by amazing people
and have a fantastic child
that is part her.

have a nice life.

it crushes me to imagine
walking away from the chop
in the same way.



sue died one week ago.

while i was celebrating my son's seventh birthday,
she was in an emergency room.
in georgia.
she died before they could treat her.
she was 75.

in some crazy way,
i imagine her reading this
and having closure.
for both of us.

seven

this boy,
at the beginning of each day,
puts both hands on my face and
kisses my cheek.
"good morning," he whispers.
wrapping his arms around my neck,
he hugs me hard.

this boy.
full of intensity
and loudness.
he feels deeply and thoughtfully,
his heart swells with and is sometimes crushed,
wanting to be understood and heard
in a world of big people and knowledge.

he loves
his mama and papa,
his family,
his dog,
his legos and stuffies.

he is a rockstar.
an artist.
the world's best snuggler.
and egg cracker.

sweet boy, i don't know how i ever came to deserve you.
you have saved me from giving up on this crazy world
and have filled my heart like i never though possible.

proud? that doesn't even begin to cover it.

happy birthday, sweet baby chop.
you are going to rock seven. i have no doubt.

heavy energy

we all die.
i know that.
how it's going to go down?
that is the mystery.
that is the freak out.

when the mama of two wee ones
suddenly dies, the world comes to a halt.
nothing else seems more important than
our babies.
our friends.
our loves.

the strength to move on and live...
really live, takes courage.
it takes an open heart and the ability to
ignore the disheslaundryunmadebeds and
focus on snugglingplayingsinginglaughing instead.

what if this were your last day?
without dwelling on the inevitable end,
can you say that your heart is full? i mean, reallyreally full?

i rush the chop through the door in the morning,
comeoncomeoncomeoncomeon
we're going to be late for school!
and honestly, when i think about it,
i would rather be a few minutes late
and take our time walking up the hill towards the school.
deep breaths. remember what is important in this short life.
stopping to say hello to a neighbor,
connections of the heart. absorb the goodness.
or ponder the new mural on the corner of barclay and federal.
you never know what each day will bring.

i want to freeze time.
rewind time.
go back and tell people how much i admire them
and am grateful for them
before it's too late.

lesson learned here, again, dearest beth.
i will miss your spirit and light.



my horoscope today:

Your persistent search for the truth may uncover 
important realizations that change your day for the better. 
But it's not easy to find an uplifting story 
in the midst of heavy energy today. 
You're sorting out your emotions now and could 
learn an important lesson along the way. 
You haven't chosen an easy journey, 
but exploring beneath the surface alters your perspective 
and gives you a brand new lease on life. 
Thankfully, your courageous heart knows no bounds.

again

the long drive is over.
car unpacked.
bedrooms selected.
flip flops on and you're  running.
running because this is what you have been waiting for.

this.

when you finally get to this point, you know the healing will begin.
the waves remove the worry and the stress with each crash.
the ocean is the starting point.
again.

the wait

it happens every year.
we are teased by the warm weather
and the last traces of snow in shady crevices.
we run fast and feel the breath of spring
on these sunny, breezy days.
shedding our jackets,
and letting the air touch our skin seems like magic.
longer days promise more time for bike riding,
ball playing, playground meet ups, and meals eaten on blankets.

welcome spring.
we have been waiting for you.

goodbye kiss

mama, i want to put my oscar hat on so i'll have braids, too.

that's sweet, baby. that will make a good picture.

i love you, mama.

and i love you.

*pause.*

you know, it's ok if you don't want to kiss me goodbye
when i take you to school.
i know it's because you don't want the older kids to think
you're a baby.

that's not true.

*picking him up to stage the shot.*

ok. it is true. 

*click*



"and in the end,
we were all just humans...
drunk on the idea that love,
only love,
could heal our brokenness."
-f. scott fitzgerald

sole sisters

"now you can enter your new chapter with cute shoes."

that's what the email said.
the email that asked what size i wear.
the email that explained why the gift was to be given.

and i cried.
and she did, too.

good tears. 
friendship tears.
sisterhood tears.

don't stop

if you imagine less, less will be what you undoubtedly deserve.
do what you love, and don't stop until you get what you love.
work as hard as you can, imagine immensities,
don't compromise,
and don't waste time.
start now.
not 20 years from now,
not two weeks from now.
now.

- debbie millman

(thank you, vanessa, for sharing this lovely quote with me. xo)