dear 2017,
adventure and being truetomyheart is what i seek.
i know that in order to be proud of myself...do the good stuff...make that happen,
i actually have to do the work;
be honest with myself;
shred excuses.
know that i am counting on you
for encouragement and kindness.
together, i'd like to board the train to badassery and glitter.
i am putting it out there, universe.
so be it.
and then...at the end of that crazy day (yesterday)
I told Mercury (who is in retrograde)
to shove it.
Love is a temporary madness,
it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together
that it is
inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness,
it is not excitement,
it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.
That is just being in love, which any fool can do.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
- Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin
the bloggingeveryday idea kicked my arse.
big time.
i did make pretty good attempt over
at my photo blog,
but. just. couldn't.
drink enough coffee
or scrape enough time from the clock
to see it through.
this world is breaking my heart.
and baltimore is stomping on what remains.
so i am going to try and spend the rest of this year
looking for the good.
really looking.
tearing through the awful and
shaking it until the
glitter falls out.
boys. movies. kids. jobs. plans. dreams. weather. love. burlesque. desserts.
sex. food. loathing of fake plants. parenting. schools. tantrums. cameras.
*insert anythingandeverything here*
#nablomo day 2.
this mama-gig, it is not for the weak.
so this new path...
it has to work out.
i need this door to stay open.
i am pretty scrappy.
it takes a lotlotlot to hold me down.
so...just wait. it's about to get real...
this morning was awful.
defiance from the moment he opened his eyes.
and then, as i signed him in (late) for school,
he runs back down the hallways towards me
and throws his arms around me,
kisses my cheek, and tells me to have a good day.
i am in trouble when he is a teenager.
and above all, watch with
glittering eyes the whole
world around you because the
greatest secrets are always
hidden in the most unlikely
places. those who don’t
believe in magic will never
find it.
-Roald Dahl
this summer has been epic.
the days of
lazy mornings,
cousins visiting,
days at the beach,
guilt-free ice cream eating,
river-rafting,
skateboarding all afternoon...
they are numbered.
snow gazing.
house of cards.
coffee.
just me and the hound.
we miss the boy.
it is too quiet.
reflecting on the funeral and loss of a sweet friend, i took a drive down
port tobacco road to chapel point.
i parked as close as i could get to this house and waded through the grass
and the "no trespassing" gate.
in high school, we used to have band practice on this porch.
i have fond memories of long conversations while stripping tobacco in the
barn out back in the winter, and coming in for mrs. goldsmith's home-cooked meals
around the big round table in the kitchen.
it felt good to come here after reconnecting with high school friends today.
it felt good to be back in charles county, on country roads, winding past farm fields,
leading down to the river.
time moves quickly.
it changes everything.
it's not new to me...but today reminded me that we only have a short time to rock this life.
so get to it.
mama, do you want to play bear-ninja-cowboy?
it's just like rock-paper-scissors...
it's nice to have
each day begin with a little sweetness.
not a bad way to count down the arrival of
the man-in-red.
25 days to reflect on the year,
loving up on family
and friends.
the tree.
the decorations.
the baking.
the hope for good sledding conditions...pleasepleaseplease.
glitter and snowglobes.
egg nog and hot cocoa.
rosy cheeks, mittens, and singing carols.
deep in my heart,
i am grateful that i have my boy to hold.
grateful for this community of friends that we have.
this world can be a crazy, sad, unsafe, unfair, unequal place.
it is daunting.
overwhelming.
unbearable to listen and watch...to be aware of the truth.
and we have so much work to do, people.
i stop half a block down the street from the school.
i've agreed to let the chop walk up to the corner and
cross with the crossing guard, mr. christopher, all by himself.
i move to hug him after his backpack is on and his mandolin case is secure.
mama...
he whispers, looking around.
people are looking...
this kid.
this amazing boy.
i am so proud and heartbroken at the same time.
when i was eight, my parents divorced.
eventually, i moved in with my dad and
my brother moved in with our mother.
"if you don't come back, i am going to
move far away."
she used to call me on saturdays and
tell me what a great time she and my
brother were having in florida.
eight-year-old me listened as she told me
how they played in the ocean all morning
after a breakfast of pancakes and hot chocolate.
i saw her when i was eleven.
leaving my dad and his new wife in maryland,
i spent the summer with sue and her boyfriend.
that is the summer that i first tried pot.
her boyfriend's oldest daughter, eighteen,
and i rolled the joints in our shared bedroom
and smoked them every day.
all day.
that fall, i told her that i didn't want to stay
for the whole summer the following year.
i didn't hear from her again.
not one card. phone call. visit.
nothing.
she was angry with me.
i was dismissed completely.
years went by.
seven years.
middle school.
high school.
heartbreak and celebrations.
accomplishments and downfalls.
i contacted her when i was eighteen.
i drove to my grandmother's house to surprise her.
by the end of the day
"fuck off" was the last thing i said to her.
she replied with the same.
i tried again after my father died.
i was twenty-one.
and for eight strained years, we attempted
communication.
"have a nice life" was the last thing she said to me,
angry about the relationship i have with the woman who raised me.
she had only animosity towards the woman who took care of her daughter
and made sure she was loved.
"have a nice life."
that was almost twenty years ago.
i have often thought of writing to her.
asking for an explanation.
or calling her out on being selfish.
and hateful.
and fucked up.
i wanted her to know that i am doing everything
in my power to be the exact opposite of what she was to me.
that i love my child and am a good mother
regardless of the model she provided for me.
at almost-forty-eight, i wanted her to
acknowledge that she missed out
on all that i am.
i wanted her to know that i do have a nice life.
i am creative and am surrounded by amazing people
and have a fantastic child
that is part her.
have a nice life.
it crushes me to imagine
walking away from the chop
in the same way.
sue died one week ago.
while i was celebrating my son's seventh birthday,
she was in an emergency room.
in georgia.
she died before they could treat her.
she was 75.
in some crazy way,
i imagine her reading this
and having closure.
for both of us.
this boy,
at the beginning of each day,
puts both hands on my face and
kisses my cheek.
"good morning," he whispers.
wrapping his arms around my neck,
he hugs me hard.
this boy.
full of intensity
and loudness.
he feels deeply and thoughtfully,
his heart swells with and is sometimes crushed,
wanting to be understood and heard
in a world of big people and knowledge.
he loves
his mama and papa,
his family,
his dog,
his legos and stuffies.
he is a rockstar.
an artist.
the world's best snuggler.
and egg cracker.
sweet boy, i don't know how i ever came to deserve you.
you have saved me from giving up on this crazy world
and have filled my heart like i never though possible.
proud? that doesn't even begin to cover it.
happy birthday, sweet baby chop.
you are going to rock seven. i have no doubt.
we all die.
i know that.
how it's going to go down?
that is the mystery.
that is the freak out.
when the mama of two wee ones
suddenly dies, the world comes to a halt.
nothing else seems more important than
our babies.
our friends.
our loves.
the strength to move on and live...
really live, takes courage.
it takes an open heart and the ability to
ignore the disheslaundryunmadebeds and
focus on snugglingplayingsinginglaughing instead.
what if this were your last day?
without dwelling on the inevitable end,
can you say that your heart is full? i mean, reallyreally full?
i rush the chop through the door in the morning,
comeoncomeoncomeoncomeon
we're going to be late for school!
and honestly, when i think about it,
i would rather be a few minutes late
and take our time walking up the hill towards the school.
deep breaths. remember what is important in this short life.
stopping to say hello to a neighbor,
connections of the heart. absorb the goodness.
or ponder the new mural on the corner of barclay and federal.
you never know what each day will bring.
i want to freeze time.
rewind time.
go back and tell people how much i admire them
and am grateful for them
before it's too late.
lesson learned here, again, dearest beth.
i will miss your spirit and light.
my horoscope today:
Your persistent search for the truth may uncover
important realizations that change your day for the better.
But it's not easy to find an uplifting story
in the midst of heavy energy today.
You're sorting out your emotions now and could
learn an important lesson along the way.
You haven't chosen an easy journey,
but exploring beneath the surface alters your perspective
and gives you a brand new lease on life.
Thankfully, your courageous heart knows no bounds.
the long drive is over.
car unpacked.
bedrooms selected.
flip flops on and you're running.
running because this is what you have been waiting for.
this.
when you finally get to this point, you know the healing will begin.
the waves remove the worry and the stress with each crash.
the ocean is the starting point.
again.
it happens every year.
we are teased by the warm weather
and the last traces of snow in shady crevices.
we run fast and feel the breath of spring
on these sunny, breezy days.
shedding our jackets,
and letting the air touch our skin seems like magic.
longer days promise more time for bike riding,
ball playing, playground meet ups, and meals eaten on blankets.
welcome spring.
we have been waiting for you.
