snow day

snow gazing.
house of cards.
coffee.
just me and the hound.

we miss the boy.
it is too quiet.

seven

this boy,
at the beginning of each day,
puts both hands on my face and
kisses my cheek.
"good morning," he whispers.
wrapping his arms around my neck,
he hugs me hard.

this boy.
full of intensity
and loudness.
he feels deeply and thoughtfully,
his heart swells with and is sometimes crushed,
wanting to be understood and heard
in a world of big people and knowledge.

he loves
his mama and papa,
his family,
his dog,
his legos and stuffies.

he is a rockstar.
an artist.
the world's best snuggler.
and egg cracker.

sweet boy, i don't know how i ever came to deserve you.
you have saved me from giving up on this crazy world
and have filled my heart like i never though possible.

proud? that doesn't even begin to cover it.

happy birthday, sweet baby chop.
you are going to rock seven. i have no doubt.

real world fun

i left work and rushed to get to the chop's school.

"c'mon baby. grab your things, let's hurry!

i want to see the lighting of the monument tonight!"

but, mama, i want to go home and play on the computer.

wait. what?

"there is REAL fun to be had.

there's a real live world out there, 

with fireworks,

and cotton candy,

and singers,

and thousands of christmas lights!

much more fun than the fake world of a

game on the computer..."

i don't want to go.

can't we do it next day?

"it is only tonight.

and only once a year.

and did i mention pizza?"

no. i don't want to go.

"i do. i really want to go."

*sigh*

i wanted to say, "LET'S LIVE!"

i wanted to tell him that tomorrow isn't promised.

that we need to get out and breathe the fresh air.

that life is short so we should enjoy the loveliness of a 

rare, warm, december night.

that we should eat cinnamon pastry and drink chocolate milk for dinner

and take in the magic of this city of charm.

but i didn't. 

because he is only six, after all.

ok. i'll go because you really want to. 

but i want to play a game when we get home.

we walked the whole way there.

and there may have even been one or three christmas songs sung along the way.

"mama, look! i'm a newspaper box!"

and it was worth the wait.

and a beautiful night for a walk (almost) home.

last view before we hopped in to a taxi cab.

finding the good

it's broken.

yes. but look what is in it.

what?

us.

and you can see mr. tony's pidgeon coop.

that, too. 

and i can see our love.

yes. i think i can see it too!

that is the best part, mama. take a picture of it.

*click*




day seven of naphopomo.
it's not too late! join in the fun!

after school today

liam, popping a piece of chocolate in his mouth after school, "mmmmm."
me: why is chocolate so darn good. it is the best isn't it?
liam: no.
me: what? are you crazy? it is so, so, so, so good!
liam: chocolate isn't the best, mama. YOU are the best.

*sound of my heart exploding*

i will take these small moments.

i am what i am.

babychop, trying to put on new slippers: aaaaargh! oh NOOOO! i can't do it!
me: be patient, you can do it!
babychop: i am being patient!
me: no. you're getting upset.
babychop: but i AM being wonderful!
me: yes. yes, you are. *kiss*

thursday love: has anyone seen my baby?

babychop and hanna.


new years day, 2010.


new years day, 2010.


hanging with the big kids.


christmas shopping + tired toddler + coin rides = no meltdown.


post-brush rinsing of the pearly-whites.


christmas eve. waiting for santa with papa.

me: are you still my baby?
babychop: yes, mama. i still your baby.
me: will you always be my baby?
babychop (throws his arms around my neck): YES!

do you think he means it?
and will he always love me as much as he does now?

thursday love: cure-all

"do you see his house?"

it was ten o'clock at night.
we were driving through the inner harbor,
past the twinkling, light-lined
home-away-from-home of
santa claus.

let's go see him!

"papa and i will take you soon."

now, mama. i wanna go see him.

"we can't baby. he's sleeping."

he wants to wake up.

"no. he is tired. his belly hurts from eating too many cookies."

we'll just give him a big hug. then he'll feel better.

thursday love

with the help of lovely denise, i was the winner of this sweet treasure!


unless they are mean, girls stick together.
that is an unwritten law.
we have each others back.
period.

the internet proves this.
women i've never met have come out
of what-seems-like-nowhere
to encourage me, cheer me on, and leave friendly advice
on my blog.
women from around the country wrote letters to baltimore city
to help save my school from closing.
other women shared their stories about infertility
with me and gave me hope
when paul and i were trying so desperately to conceive.
they wrapped their words around me
and gave me strength when it came time
to leave my shorties so that i could
welcome my own shortie into the world.

we share our excitement and fear.
we put it all out there, our hearts bare.
and we have each others back.

i love my world-wide-tribe.
(check out my sidebar to find links to their blogs)


necklace made by christine miller and stacy de la rosa . find stacy at bellawish!

thursday love

"you can show love in different ways"

thoughtful words written by my niece, zoe.
she has a point.
i am going to hold onto this inspiration,
and repeat it often
as we approach this holiday season.

love for your family.
love for your children.
love for your partner.
love for your friends and neighbors.
love for this universe.

share some ways that you show love.

thursday love

when the heck did this happen?

i feel like i stop.
i mean really STOP.
i am still.
i am present.
but i can't help but notice
how quickly everything is going.

i try not to think about
my ever-growing to-do list
when he wants all of my attention.
i try to remember that he is only
this
little
once.

new words come bubbling out of his mouth
as he climbs and pulls himself up, past the beginner slide,
to the highest slide at the playground.
my heart breaks wide open
as he screams with delight,
sliding down into his papa's open arms
before doing it again and again.

i want this sweetness to last.
i want his little-boy-goodness
to stretch into childhood,
through his teen years and
into adulthood.

no matter how still i am.
no matter how present i can be.
only time will tell.
and it's speeding by.

thursday love

i can't wait until she arrives.

thursday love: mmmmmWAH!

each time he does this,
i am a puddle.
mush.
done.

my heart might just explode the first time he says,
"i love you, mama"

thursday love

liam shows love for his bfam.
my first (blurry) movie taken with my new D90.

i sat alone, listening to npr the other day.
it was early morning and paul had taken liam downstairs to
make coffee and get the day started.

the setting: a baltimore city public elementary school.
the story: how the BSO's program, orchkids, is making a difference
in the city's low-income neighborhoods.
a small voice told the reporter that they liked playing music
"because grownups will settle down for you and not talk for you".
she liked playing because it made adults stop and listen.

the door opened and in came my sweet boys
with a hot cup of joe for me.
paul looked at me and said, "were you listening to the story on npr?"
i nodded, biting my lip.
"you miss your kids, don't you?"
tears.
unexpected and unstoppable.

this story barreled in, uninvited, and revealed
what i have been struggling with:
deep-rooted wanting-to-be-involved with the community,
but not willing to give up my time with the chopster.
wanting to get in the classroom and teach.
feeling deeply satisfied when the kids
groove out on investigating and discussing their learning,
but not willing to let go of my warm, snuggly toddler who
is learning his animal sounds and how to hold a crayon.

liam waddled over to me.
mmmmmmmmmWAH
he said as he gave me a drooly kiss.
i dismissed my tears with an embarrassed laugh.
and put it away.
knowing that it wasn't done with me.

and then i got the email.
a message that has me jumping up and down.

but you'll have to wait for details

i will say this: it is shortie-related.
and it may just save me from having to re-name my blog.

love to all of you on this so-cold-my-toes-may-just-crack-right-off-my-feet-thursday.