just do it

"you need to have clarity," she said,
"you need to be open and ready to accept
the child's soul that is meant to come to you."

i had my first acupuncture session today.
sitting there,i relived past moments and events
that i usually hold onto dearly while
locking the closet door.
i was crying within the first five minutes.

"how do you feel about being 40
and trying to have a child?"
tears.
unstoppable.
wanting to pull it together.
but i couldn't.

"you need to decide what you
are willing to do to make this happen"

what am i willing to endure?
am i willing to endure the pain and loss of multiple pregnancies?
am i willing to endure the heartbreak of a
birth mother changing her mind after
we have fallen in love with her child?
if i want it. then i can be that strong, right?

clarity.
(breathe)
clear mind.
(breathe)
clear goals.
(breathe)
soul open to accept what is my destiny.

back-to-school night

"my son said he loves you."

really? i feel like i have been so mean!

"he says he understands now why,
last year,
everyone was crying on the last
day of school."

wow...did everyone know
about that?
really? he said that?

we hung our haikus today so that
the sun filtered brightly through
the orange, yellow and green
leaf-shaped paper.
we spread our notebooks
across our desks so
that our parents could
leaf through and see
all of the good thinking
and imagination that flows
across each page.

tonight, each parent sat at their child's desk
looking at me with the same-but-older faces
i see everyday.
full of hope for the new year.
full of love and adoration
for their babies...their hearts.

this week is better.
we will be fine.
each day brings a new understanding.
them of me.
me of them.

the honeymoon is over

each time i see one of my old shorties
i want to scoop them up and tell them
how much i miss them.
(sometimes i do.)

i am at a loss.
my new shorties are testing me
in every way they can.
i have become ms. kath-a-mean.
fer real.
fer serious, ya'll.

the not careingaboutdoinghomework,
and inyourface disrespect
and flat-out meanness towards one another
is just killing me.

to keep them safe and peaceful,
i have had to separate the groups of desks
into neat rows, individually facing front.
how lame.
that is not me.
that goes against every teaching grain
in my want-to-encourage-them being.

but to be a peaceful community, they need to work together.
to work together, they need to be kind to each other.
and the element-of-kind is what they are struggling with.

and even more lame:
i KNOW that childrens' behavior comes from their environment.
and i am enforcing negativity by seperating them.

i am exhausted.
i KNOW that we will get there.
but today, i feel like i have been beaten.
today, i experienced the worst behavior from my shorties
than any others i have taught. ever.

and it is not acceptable.
i am raising the bar even higher.

may all the forces be with me.


i'm goin' in.

spc: matching voices with faces

creative mama from seattle.
married to jon.
mother of jaylie, jayden and journey.

joy and i met about a year ago.
we have commented on each other's photographs,
read one another's blogs
and emailed about teaching philosophy.
she and her husband are crazytalented picture-takers.
they are amazing parents to three of the
most beautiful children i have ever seen.
aaaand i got to meet them for the first time,
in person,
last night!
(thank you mr. and mrs. madison
for including me in your baltimore itinerary!)


check out more people with people here.

the curtain rises

today we became a popcorn popper
filled with kernels.

my shorties popped and sizzled
and hopped and "ouched" as they
imagined their journey to the
bowl where they'd be buttered and salted.

"being a kernel and
getting so hot that you're
gonna burst is like when i
get soooooo mad and stomp my feet
and i just scream as loud as i can"

agreement.

"it is like when a volcano explodes"

"yeah! and the butter is like the lava!"

oooooh yeah.
we are going places.

spc: kathi and ellen

my mom.
my aunt.
me.

i can tell them anything.
and,
even at my age,
if i step out of line,
they will put me right
back in my place.

they have my back.
full of love and strenth,
my mentors
are two of the most
amazing women i know.



check out other
peeps muggin' with their peeps here.

ingredients

i get the list of my new shorties
tomorrow.
i will organize my art supplies
tomorrow.
i will hang my peace flags and
string up my littlewhitelights
tomorrow.
all of the teachers will come together
tomorrow
and reflect and plan and eat and chat.
tomorrow
is a new beginning.
my mailbox, stuffed with scholastic catalogs
will be waiting for me along with
my empty bulletin boards and
special drawer stuffed with all of the old notes
from the shorties i have loved.

tomorrow
i will visualize
our desks full
of books and dreams
of how high we can actually
go
together
as a
new
family.