close to heaven

"fourth grade," said our principal
in this morning's graduation ceremony,
"please stand and take your seats
in the fifth grade row! Congratulations
to our new fifth graders!"

my shorties stared at me.

i looked back, trying to smile convincingly.
trying to make them believe that
not only was i happy that they had made it
to the fifth grade,
but that it was okay that they were
moving on.

donotcrydonotcrydonotcry.

tears streaming down
their faces, they stood and
walked back to the chairs in the next row.
i had to hug the baby-bunny-shortie
and hold her hand while i escorted
her to her new status in our school.

fifth graders.

no longer my shorties.
no longer my chickens.

my heart was breaking as i took
my new position with the future
third grade class.
i looked at the tiny, fresh-outta-second-grade babies
that i will be calling mine for the next two years.
"yikes," i thought.

one of my new shorties put her head on my shoulder
and squeezed my arm.
"you're our new teacher!" she smiled.
i looked back and caught the eye of my
baby-bunny shortie and,
seeing me as a traitor,
she burst into fresh tears.

i wanted to shrug off my new shortie.
i wanted to say, "no! no! she hugged me!
i don't want this! i am being forced!"

i looked back and saw baby brown
with his head in his hands.
"come here," i whispered.
he came and slumped next to me.
"i will always have your back.
i am never leaving you, do you
understand?"
my heart broke with the understanding
that because of his life's losses,
i would have to prove it for him
to actually believe it.

later, after all the speeches and awards,
we went up to our room one last time.
we sat on the rug in a circle.
i looked around at each face
that i have grown to
love like my very own children.
each face that i have
held and encouraged and wiped dry and adored
for two years.
"i am so pr...." and then i lost it.
i cried.
and they cried.

"you are the ones who will make the difference.
i am counting on each of you to make the change
that you have promised me that you will make."
i lectured through my tears.
"you are to take care of each other and do
the right thing no matter what, do you understand?"
they nodded.
"don't let me down."

i gave each of them a tiny inch-tall angel
that i brought back from new mexico.
"the land of enchantment," i explained,
"is high up in the mountains, close to heaven.
keep this angel with you to remind you that
i love you and will always have your back.
keep this angel to help you remember
each other and the lessons we have all
learned together."

we had one last morning circle.
hugged each other tightly,
and said goodbye.

i stood in my empty room
and let it all sink in.
they are gone.

my heart is so full with pride at how far they've come.
my mind is racing with anticipation of my next adventure.

i am blessed.
i am the luckiest person i know.