and love to all of you during this holiday season.
i am so darn blessed. and i know it.
i really do.
i hope, wherever you are,
and whatever you're celebrating,
whether you are with loved ones or not,
you can find sparkle and light
in your heart, too.
xo
babychop is wiggly with excitement
instead of sleeping.
the letter, waiting to be composed,
is discussed in the darkness
as i wait for the sandman to step in.
i will tell you what to write, mama.
i know i want a percy train.
and i would like more tracks...the ones with the pirate cove!
will santa write back?
mama? can santa really see me?
when is christmas?
can i open tomorrow's door on the chocolate calendar?
is tomorrow a school day? or will it be christmas?
then, i sing "silent night".
and (almost) every time, it works.
heavy eyelids as he starts singing along.
and, somewhere in the fourth round,
there is slumber.
hands on hips.
scowling pout.
loud.
leave. me. ALONE!
we are getting a lot of this lately.
resistance. attitude. testing. pushing the envelope.
we count. offer pebbles to fill reward jars.
hug. talk. ignore. speak firmly. speak softly. walk away. scoop him up.
and tell him we love him.
sometimes we get a tiny "i love you" in return.
and sometimes...not.
i am preparing my heart for its breaking that will surely happen
when he is a teenager.
or before.
most likely...before.
but i am feeling the primal need to
eat everything in my path
and get my body ready for the cold winter ahead.
nothing is safe.
bacon.
pasta.
chocolate.
bread.
bacon.
melted cheese.
cold cheese.
room temperature cheese.
bacon.
potatoes.
oatmeal.
soup.
bacon.
what is your favorite cold-weather food?
mama, you be wonder woman and i'll be spiderman.
do i look like wonder woman?
no, mama. do you know why?
no, why, baby?
because you don't have a magic lasso. so instead, you just look like diana prince.
"what a difference a year makes"
i read the text message from my friend, robin,
and realized that it has been a year since i was
diagnosed with cervical cancer.
a year ago, it didn't look good.
to say i was completely freaked out
is an understatement.
i had just gotten back from a week at the beach with my family.
i sat in my doctor's office, waiting for the results from my last visit.
she came in and hugged me,
her words "cancer", "deep-tissue", "aggressive", "rare", "lymph nodes"
were all garbled and far away.
"i have the name of a great oncologist"
who is she talking to?
"we need to get you an appointment right away."
is she saying i have cancer?
"i will tell dr. abbas you'll be calling, unless you have another doctor you prefer to see"
liam. paul. wait...what?
i don't have a preferred oncologist. how would i know a good oncologist?
he will probably want to set up a plan of action right away.
am i sick? wait...
are you okay?
"yes. i am fine. no i don't need water. thank you. i'll see you later."
and then, the rest of my life started.
it still seems surreal that i am here,
that the past year ever happened.
i am grateful to actually feel my feet on the ground.
i feel relieved to be able to wrap around my sweet family
i am so thankful to be cancer free.
life is short, people.
take nothing for granted.
two weeks until the chop is four, i have been browsing through photos of liam and izzy.
they have been together since they were a few months old!
they aren't babies anymore...
*brothers from another mother.
CSA pickup
woo-whee! we're 24hours-a-day diaper free!
playground hydration
quiet time
today's challenge has had us playing this song over and over!
for more rainbow connection, click here and here.
clomp!
clomp!
clomp!
i could hear him in the hallway.
what the...?
i thought he was hammering something.
i put my coffee down and peeked down the hallway...
i love these long, summer mornings.
no rushing around to get ready for school.
doing what we want.
when we want.
more blue going on over here and here.
why are you waiting? jump in! the water is warm...
tomorrow: rainbow
friday: red.
he is on to me.
he runs as soon as he sees the lens.
nooooooo don't take my picture!
so. i wait until he wants something.
mama? may i play with those chopsticks?
then i bribe him.
honestly. when did he become so camera shy?
see what other peeps are contributing for today's color here and here.
perhaps you care to join us? come and show off your true summer colors!
what are you waiting for?
monday: yellow
tuesday: pink
wednesday: blue
thursday: rainbow
friday: red
liam, explaining what he is drawing:
mama. this is a guy, and he is dreaming about all of the names in the whole world.
and this is the world...it has legs and a mouth. and it's eating granolies cereal with his big mouth...
i want my child brain back.
i have the best partner in the world.
and liam has the best papa-bear ever.
the end.
he still calls me mama.
i can still scoop him up and
hold him in my arms.
and he still sleeps with his face smooshed up against mine.
he reminds me that he is not a baby anymore,
(even though he lets me call him "baby").
he makes up songs as a soundtrack to his daily events.
he loves skippy jon jones, bacon, and dinosaurs.
he builds animals and monsters out of legos, writes his name,
crack an egg like a pro, and sets the table for our family meals.
he is a magician, a warrior, a chef, and a bumblebee.
he is a mighty hunter of (mama and papa) bears,
a powerful superhero, and a fierce pirate who knows his letter sounds.
his many personalities are: bob, fudge, una-tuna,
mama's windup-toy, and joe-the-robot.
he is a sucker for chocolate and a good drumbeat.
and he is going to be four at the end of july.
four, people...
rest in peace, dear vera.
your love of life, and your mischievous sparkle will never be forgotten.
and every time i listen to conway twitty,
or cook a meal for people i love,
i will think of you and how grateful i am to have met you.
the dance halls of texas will never be the same. xo
long time, no write.
the warmer weather calls for
playgrounds and wagon-pulls.
playdates and photoshoots.
working five days a week in a job
that doesn't fill my heart but thankfully provides
health insurance to this cancer-survivor
and her family.
my to-do list is growing:
letters to write regarding unfair health insurance handling.
graduate class registration to figure out and
red-tape to update my teacher certification.
more health insurance craziness.
house repairs longer than our budget
and my old cat is starting to forget where his litter box is.
i know this is life. i know i need to take care of these things,
but i am not feelin' it.
all i want to do is
hula-hoop under the moon
and curl around my boys each night.
i want to have time with the people i love.
i want to breathe in life and
go a little crazy.
i want to find myself again.
"cupcakes,
popsicles,
pizza,
ice cream cones,
and chocolate.
those are 5 of my most favorite things, mama."
mine are:
bacon.
time with my boys.
new shoes.
perfect light.
and lemon bars.
what are five of your favorite things?
