what boys like

liam gave me a bracelet he made at school.
me: thank you, baby. so sweet. i will wear it and think of you.
liam: *hugging me* i love you mama.
me: you must know that girls love getting jewelry.
liam: you know what boys like getting?
me: tell me.
liam: hot wheels.

here. now.

breathe.

shoot.

run.

love.

see.

listen.

reach.

repeat.

early this morning

the chop and his sidekick

made me smile.

even when i didn't think it was possible.

onward

oh, summer...you kicked my ass.
in a good way.
i am betterstrongerwiser and exhausted.
i will take your warm energy and venture into the next season
with my heart wide open.
wide enough that it could break at any moment.
but the risk is worth it.
because who knows how many seasons we will encounter?
autumn. bring it.

the stuff

playground picnic.
the chop and his dog.
digging holes (the dog) and swinging on
the big-kid swing (the boy).
popsicles and cat-shaped biscuits.
both are asleep now...dreaming their dreams of a tomorrow
with endless exploration
and heck yeahs.

i asked the chop if six feels different from being five.
mama! yesterday, when i looked in the mirror, 
i could only see the top of my hair.
this morning? i could see my WHOLE FACE!

after school today

liam, popping a piece of chocolate in his mouth after school, "mmmmm."
me: why is chocolate so darn good. it is the best isn't it?
liam: no.
me: what? are you crazy? it is so, so, so, so good!
liam: chocolate isn't the best, mama. YOU are the best.

*sound of my heart exploding*

i will take these small moments.

lessons

this week has been an ongoing

excercise in how to take deep breaths 

and let go.

let go of what you cannot control.

sounds good, yes?

but i am here to tell you that it is h.a.r.d.

my to-do list fills every second.

speaking in full sentences is a workout.

things have been falling through the cracks.

girl...you said you would blog every day this month!

i have never been so out of control.

ever.

so. today...

i didn't freak out.

it really doesn't help anyway.

i let it all go into the universe.

i ate some chocolate.

i sang.

i threw a few downward dogs in there.

and

it

worked.

and you know what?

i am still here.

alive.

and ok.

tomorrow is a huge day

that will guide my future

as an artist.

any and all good energy

and prayers

are welcome

please

and thank you.

treasure

this early afternoon was particularly emotional and hard.
after trudging through difficult conversations,
i needed to leave and work the late shift at my job.
hugging the chop tightly
i told him that i would see him in the morning.
i need to go to work now. give me a hug, please.
he threw his arms around me and i held his tiny frame as tightly as i could.
i felt the tears welling deep in my heart.
wait, mama! don't go anywhere...
he disappeared for a moment and returned with a small, cloth bag.
here. 
he carefully handed me the bag so as not to spill the contents.
it is full of love. open it when you feel like you need it.

and as he smiled up at me, right then, my heart exploded
with all of the pride and love that a mother can feel for her child
times infinity.

a-CHOO!

whose idea was it to blog
every day for the month of february?
ahem...
i have consumed three vitamin c packets,
almost a whole big pot of homemade chicken stock,
yogurt, green tea, glassafterglass of icy water,
and one aleve.
my head weighs 800 pounds
and my nose has issued a retraining order
against all facial tissue.
so...no.
i cannot pull any cleverly written anything
out of my fuzzy, sinus-challenged noggin.
not  on this second day of february.

today

i lie next to the chop each night,
his tiny arms wrapped around my neck,
his sweet, warm breath on my cheek.
sing me the pie song, mama.
my bedtime set list is the same each night as
i serenade the boy-who-holds-my-heart.
he interrupts, my tummy hurts.
i ask where and he points to his chest.
i tell him that is where his  heart is.
mama. i think my heart is broken he whispers into the darkness.
i explain when one's heart is broken, that it
means the person is reallyreallyreally sad about something.
i ask him if he feels sad.
no. i'm good.
and he kisses my cheek.

for today,
i am good, too.

crossing my fingers

hello to a new year
full of hope.
hope for healing.
and understanding.
and finally being grounded
in the knowledge that
i am good enough.
strong enough.
brave enough.

i am here.

still.

and this year...2013,
this year is where i find clarity
and realize that
there is hope for me yet.

please join me, again, for one photo. each day. for a year.

never let me go

"mama will you ever lose me?"

no baby.

"not EVER?"

as long as we stick together...then no.

"what if i stop following you?

and you keep walking and don't know that i have stopped?

then will you lose me forever?"

well, we just need to keep our eye on each other

and make sure that doesn't happen.

"i'll always find you. i'll find a way back because i am your baby."

tears streaming down my face.

glad he is in the back seat and cannot see me.

(really? where does this stuff come from?)

you have to

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either,
for solitude will also break you with its yearning. 

You have to love. 

You have to feel. 

It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart.
You are here to be swallowed up.
And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near,
let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps,
wasting their sweetness.
Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ~ Louise Erdrich

ciao.

so long, summer.
you were a bit of challenge.
 i can't say that i am going to miss you.
but thank you for your guidance.
i know you meant well.
 

cue theme song from jaws

the chop swam underwater for the first time tonight.
he is determined to be a scuba diver.
or a merboy.

get it together

we'll get the kids together over the summer. 

we shouted from rolled down windows

as we pulled away from the pick up line at the chop's school.

we had time, right?

we had the whole summer.

three months.

school starts next week and we have only 

had one playdate with a classmate.

one.

the lazy summer days have rambled by

with mornings of strawberry juice running down our arms

and sweaty wee ones learning how to kick and blow bubbles

at their swim lessons.

we journeyed north and dipped our toes in fresh water lakes

with friends that we wished lived closer.

we ate cherries and kayaked and got our toes tangled in seaweed 

while we imagined the creatures swimming in the dark water

below us.

popsicles have turned lips bright purple and green

and best friends talk about legos on the back porch.

sparklers make us scream with glee in the alley

as we wait for the cooler weather to approach.

and then,

then we'll get the kids together.

change

the pain of staying the same
has to be stronger than the fear of changing.
- my wise cousin, during a phone conversation.


those words make me ready to face the can of worms that i have opened.

five

the most important part about

having a birthday

is having everyone watch

you

blow out the candle.

the candle on the cake that was made for

you.

you.

you.

i am still going to call him babychop.

because he will always be my baby.

at least that is what he promised me.

i cannot believe my sweet one is five.

f-i-v-e.

africa hot

officially summer.
and hot.
let the games begin!

got it?

"you are just like brothers!" says izzy's grandmother.

"but we're really not brothers. we just LOOK like brothers." 

she goes along with it. 

"i see..."

eyebrow raised dramatically, the chop speaks slowly so there is no misunderstanding.
"what we are is bee-eff-EFFS!"

decade plus one

the decision about what to do this weekend is tough.
to celebrate 200 years since the star spangled banner was written,
the blue angels are flying over charm city for the first time since the fifties.
friends are gathering in mount vernon to celebrate gay pride.
and the lovely tall ships are waiting in the harbor to be photographed.

most importantly, today marks eleven years since i married my paulie.

for now? we're going to give the feverish chop more medicine and wrap around him.
because the big event at this moment is dinosaur train
accompanied by a cold juice box.

click

366 is a lot of days.

and i'm not gonna lie, 

it is a lot of work

lugging my camera

around. everywhere.

but i like looking back and seeing the 

days unfold since january 1.

time flies, yes.

but capturing an image from each day 

makes it seem possible to hold onto the

small moments. savor them just a bit longer.

each photo is a  reminder that i am 

still here.
that life goes on. beautifully.

these are the most recent.

the rest are here. 

p.s. happy earth day. xo

to the moon and back

goodnight bug. i love you.
i love you more.
well, that just isn't possible.
just you wait. you'll see.

out of the blue

babychop: mama, you know what is the best?
me: tell me.
babychop: love is the best. don't you think?
me: better than anything.

this photo is part of my one-a-day project. find the other photos here.

hello spring

we sit at the table in our second floor kitchen
and look out over the world
exploding with flowers
and chirping birds
and buzzing insects
and barking dogs.
kids play in the alley and plant new seeds in the dirt out back.
heavy coats are forgotten in a pile and bubbles float across the yard.
neighbors catch up on back porches and talk about the
unseasonable warmth.

over the winter months,
we wished for snow
with all our hearts.
but now, we let this lovely feeling in the air wrap around us,
the seductive scent of the earth opening up
fills our nostrils
with hope.
and we want it to stay this way.
for now.

whoa

i read while waiting for babychop
in his school pickup line.
i stay up until 2 a.m. to edit photos
and work on projects.
i have piles of sewing and crafts that i want to start
and many yet to finish.
there are clothes to go through, pack and drive to goodwill.
my garden is waking up and begging for some quality time with me.
days fly by.

i need a minute to breathe.
to sit.
and do nothing.

but i don't want to miss dressing up like a mama-pirate.
or catching darth vader before he captures woody and buzz.
letter sounds and seed sprouting take priority over napping.
writing a new menu for the kissykisslove cafe' takes time.

so, if i seem a little dizzy and can't complete full sentences.
please forgive me.
and, maybe bring me a cup of joe.

xoxo

papa had to work tonight
managing the restaurant
full of lovers in love.
so we sent this to him
so he would feel some love, too.

gorgeous life

"...I want
 to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable and beautiful and afraid of nothing,
 as though I had wings."
- mary oliver
 
  read entire poem here.

 reflecting in the mountains with family.
giggly kids, running around in superhero costumes.
pausing only to drink honey-milk and plan a hike.
good food. good beverages. fire burning.
sunrise. sunset. taking my breath away
as the glowy-tipped shenandoah mountains give me permission to relax.
to breathe.
to embrace so much.
and to let so much go.

one

one photo a day. for a year.
to get out and move. to be still.
to be present.
represented in one click a day.

1/366

join me?

peace

and love to all of you during this holiday season.
i am so darn blessed. and i know it.
i really do.

i hope, wherever you are,
and whatever you're celebrating,
whether you are with loved ones or not,
you can find sparkle and light
in your heart, too.

xo

sleeplessness

babychop is wiggly with excitement
instead of sleeping.
the letter, waiting to be composed,
is discussed in the darkness
as i wait for the sandman to step in.

i will tell you what to write, mama.
i know i want a percy train.
and i would like more tracks...the ones with the pirate cove!
will santa write back?
mama? can santa really see me?
when is christmas?
can i open tomorrow's door on the chocolate calendar?
is tomorrow a school day? or will it be christmas?

then, i sing "silent night".
and (almost) every time, it works.
heavy eyelids as he starts singing along.
and, somewhere in the fourth round,
there is slumber.

fine line

hands on hips.
scowling pout.

loud.

leave. me. ALONE!

we are getting a lot of this lately.
resistance. attitude. testing. pushing the envelope.

we count. offer pebbles to fill reward jars.
hug. talk. ignore. speak firmly. speak softly. walk away. scoop him up.
and tell him we love him.

sometimes we get a tiny "i love you" in return.
and sometimes...not.

i am preparing my heart for its breaking that will surely happen
when he is a teenager.
or before.
most likely...before.

i don't know about you

but i am feeling the primal need to
eat everything in my path
and get my body ready for the cold winter ahead.
nothing is safe.
bacon.
pasta.
chocolate.
bread.
bacon.
melted cheese.
cold cheese.
room temperature cheese.
bacon.
potatoes.
oatmeal.
soup.
bacon.


what is your favorite cold-weather food?

saturday morning love

at the end of the day

mama, you be wonder woman and i'll be spiderman.

do i look like wonder woman?

no, mama. do you know why? 

no, why, baby?

because you don't have a magic lasso. so instead, you just look like diana prince.

i'll take looking like diana prince.

now, if i could only find my invisible plane.

it has been a while since i posted.

the days seem to fly by.

the boy is getting so tall...so big.

i just want to soak it all in.

slow.

down.

the.

days.