7/26 babychop turns one
i could break your water now and you could have your baby by noon,
said my midwife (one of three in the lovely group) after she informed me that
i was still 5cm dilated since my last appointment
a week prior.
julie is on call today and wanted me to tell
you that she could move things along if you want.
i was ready.
i was huge, swollen and hot, dilated, and ready.
i waddled the ten blocks home from my last checkup
and called paul.
julie is going to meet us at the hospital.
we're going to have our baby!
i had agreed to wait until babychop was ready to come out.
i wanted to do everything naturally
(no induced labor, no drugs at all).
but my favorite midwife was available that day,
and my dear friend, julia,
who agreed to take photos,
was leaving after the weekend for vacation.
and my sister-in-law, who i was counting on for breathing-assistance,
was participating in a yoga-retreat that weekend.
what happens if the cervadil doesn't work?, i asked.
i don't want to get stuck there, in the hospital.
then you can go home. i promise.
we had a cup of watermelon gazpacho before we left the house.
the suitcases had been packed for a week.
we said goodbye to the kitties
and closed the door to a life that was going to change dramatically.
the cervadil was inserted around 3:30
right before julia arrived.
leslie (my sil) arrived from philly around 4.
our doula, tina, moments behind.
around 6, i started feeling a little tightness.
but nothing to write-home-about.
wine was poured into paper cups
(paul and i drank water).
we sat, chatted, sipped and waited.
by 8, i was starting to really feel the contractions.
julie had me lie down to conserve my energy for
when i really needed it.
your going to meet your son soon!
i was too excited to rest.
i got up to pee for the billionth time.
as i sat there, i had my first strong contraction
that left me a bit breathless.
leslie, sitting on the tub in the bathroom,
her forehead against mine as i sat on the toilet,
closed her eyes and whispered breathe.
take your breath within. slowly exhale.
i walked. i danced. i laughed. i cried.
for two hours.
then. i had to focus.
which is something i struggle with.
i am not good at it.
but i had practiced. read everything i could get my hands on.
visualized.
i knew i could do it.
with each contraction, i went deeper within myself.
tightness. my body squeezing whether i wanted to or not.
let go. let your body do what it needs to do.
feel the power of what your body is capable of.
the sounds didn't come from my mouth.
they came from somewhere deeper than i had ever imagined.
they came from my soul.
from my heart.
with each contraction, i moaned and breathed.
paul's eyes were wide as he held my hand
and gave me water.
i love you.
we said over and over to each other.
tears.
laughter.
sweat.
breathing.
are you ready to get into the tub?
ohgodyes.
i could hear the water running and for some strange reason
thought relief was on the way.
wasn't clearly thinking about what was next.
after the next contraction, tina and paul
helped me up and i walked to the bathroom.
i climbed into the tub.
panic.
what position should i get into before the next contraction?
should i squat? no.
get on all fours? no.
float? hell no.
hey. can we pause this whole scene while i figure out my next move?
i wanted to shout.
but i said nothing.
i was staying within.
julie had me sit in the tub, facing her.
i was scrunched in half, filling the width of the tub
instead of the length.
my big belly almost touching my chin,
she had me where she needed me.
where she could control me.
and that was smart of her
cause i was feeling like i wanted to leave.
i wanted someone to switch with me for a while
so i could rest.
but as i looked at each face staring down at me,
i realized it was all on me.
i was the only one on my side of the line.
no one could help me with this.
with the next contraction, i want you to push.
and so we began.
and i pushed.
with all my might.
til i thought i had nothing left.
again.
again? what is she crazy? i have to push more than
once during one contraction?
again.
ohdeargod. and we have only just begun.
oh! i see his head!
julia whispered to a tearful leslie and they both smiled.
i reached down and touched it.
trippy, i thought.
almost three hours later,
and a lot of the same,
(pushing til i thought i would faint,
and then pushing again)
at 2:53 a.m.,
babychop came into this crazy world
weighing 10 pounds and 3 ounces.
julie reached down into the water and pulled him out.
as she handed him to me i stared at him in awe.
he is beautiful!
THIS is the baby we get to take home?!!!
i couldn't stop staring at him.
he was covered in vernix and had a perfectly round head.
ten fingers.
ten toes.
and. so. handsome.
my heart has not been the same since.
the last year has been a trip.
i have been forced to let go and be still.
i have learned to live in the moment and not think about the next.
because even if you think you have it all figured out, it changes at least ten times
before you realize that you don't.
liam.
my sweet boy.
my heart.
my joy and amazement.
happy birthday.
we waited so long to have you.
papa and i are so blessed to have had you delivered to us.
life is crazygood.
i am so thankful.
you have noooooo idea.
i love you, baby.
